I want you all out there in the world today to know that I hate every last one of you.
Maybe not hate, but dislike. Humanity has taken a major step backward, and I am a malcontent about it.
So to quote a song I knew as a kid, here is my message to the world, especially me useless fellow Americans:
“May a bird of paradise fly up your nose…
May an elephant caress you with his toes…
May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose…
May a bird of paradise fly up your nose.”
The people I especially loathe today now that the government has refused to shut down:
Anybody attending a cherry blossom festival…you make me ill.
Anybody taking their children to a national park or museum…get away from me.
Anybody attending a cowboy poet society…may lightning strike your nether regions.
Everybody in America has their hobbies open for business except for me.
That’s right. The National Football League is still shut down.
The lockout needs to end all ready.
The owners and players had better realize that if we do not play football very soon, parents are going to continue the wussification of America by taking young boys to cherry blossom festivals, cowboy poetry readings, and museums about stuff nobody should care about (exempting the dinosaur exhibit with Tyrranosaurus Rex).
The NFL Draft is almost upon us, and there is total chaos.
Look, this is not something insignificant like a government non-shutdown. This is serious. This is an NFL work stoppage.
Mr. Roger Goodell, somewhere today kids are picking cherries rather than tossing oblate spheroids. This is a disaster. Please fix this.
So to all the owners and players and their representatives at the bargaining table, I have only one thing to say to you on this non-football Sunday.
May a bird of paradise fly up your nose.
eric
Now a word from a sponsor.
Cobb Could Be The Sleeper Of The Draft
The NFL draft is the only thing that football fans have to look forward to, as it doesn’t look like the season is going to start anytime soon. While everyone is talking about Alabama’s Julio Jones and Georgia’s A.J. Green, another SEC receiver could end up in the first round as well.
Kentucky’s Randall Cobb did it all for the Wildcats, as he was named to the All-Freshman team as a quarterback before moving to receiver. In his last year as a junior, Cobb was named to various All-American teams, and he leaves Lexington with the all-time Kentucky record with 37 touchdowns. Against the eventual national champions from Auburn, Cobb threw, ran and caught touchdowns, while averaging 28.7 yards on three kickoff returns.
Cobb also had a great combine to raise his NFL draft stock, running a 4.46 in the 40-yard dash, and his versatility is reminiscent of another SEC player, Dexter McCluster, who was drafted by Kansas City and played a sizable role in his rookie season when he wasn’t injured. That could be a drawback for Cobb, who isn’t the biggest player in the world at 5’11” and 188 pounds. However, McCluster came into the season as a player who had injury problems, and Cobb seems to be injury free. Cobb is a great weapon to have if you’re a team who plays a lot of three-and-four receiver set, and his passing ability is an added bonus. He’s definitely not what you could consider a No.1 receiver in the NFL because of his size, but Cobb would be a valuable asset as a scatback of sorts who could cause all kinds of matchup problems because he can line up everywhere. Watch for Randall Cobb when making your predictions for the NFL draft.