I was going to write about the health care bill being declared unconstitutional, but until the U.S. Supreme Court rules, this health care bill is still as dangerous as a potential Al Gore presidency (shudder).
Healthcare is a serious topic, and I am trying to avoid serious topics so that I can prepare for my February 13, 2011, navel gazing competition with President Obama. I am very worried that I have not had time to practice. Unlike the president, I am busy doing things. I have responsibilities. Without adequate training, I will not stand a chance in a navel gazing contest with him.
So healthcare battles can wait. Besides, foreign policy will always supersede domestic policy in terms of importance. Egypt is on fire. Hosni Mubarak is on the verge of possibly seeing his 30 year reign end. Concerns worldwide exist over whether he will be succeeded by the Muslim Brotherhood or a more moderate secular governing coalition.
I have decided to recommend a compromise candidate…me.
Becoming the next leader of Egypt is not an easy undertaking. For one thing, getting ahold of the country’s human resources department is a nightmare. Forget merely being kept on hold…even the phone call itself is expensive.
I am not sure what the financial situation is in Egypt, but it cannot be worse than California. I could help Egypt by doing what Hank Paulson did and Arnold Schwarzenegger did not. I could sell toxic assets. Maybe I could even sell the Sinai Peninsula back to Israel. Let them deal with the headache.
Some may say that my being Jewish could pose a problem leading an Arab nation. Well leftists should support my quest because it would be great for diversity. America elected a black man to lead a majority white nation. Having a Jewish person running an Arab nation would be fabulous in terms of affirmative action.
Given that Israel is the only nation where Arabs have any kind of basic human rights, I would say Arabs have done pretty well being led by a Jewish leader.
Egypt does not have oil wealth, but it has a wealth of beautiful women. Some of them may have to “voluntarily” convert to Judaism, but that is a small price to pay for a better nation. A satiated ruler makes for a happy ruler which makes for happier citizens.
I am not sure if Egypt has cable tv, but I am pretty sure they do not have DirecTV with the NFL package. They are not into American football, but that is what happens when an Arab dictator keeps people in the dark ages for three decades. If soccer is not misery I do not know what is.
I have updated my resume, and am fully prepared to assume the mantle of control once some contingencies are taken care of. The Suez Canal needs to have a waterslide attached to it so kids can have fun in the Summer sliding from one nation to another with ease. Lifeguards will be assigned to prevent drowning and the smuggling of weapons.
Also, I am not a fan of Middle Eastern food. It is not bad, but until McDonalds and Coca-Cola are on every third block, it will not be a good nation to rule.
Additionally, Egypt will be forced to follow the example of Arizona and refuse to change the clocks back ever for any reason. Forget Daylight Savings Time. It just confuses people.
Also, I will be changing the name of the country from Egypt to Palestine. Then I will refuse to allow the Palestinians from Gaza to enter anyway just for fun. Why? Because I can.
Do not be fooled that these thoughts are actually good practice for the navel gazing competition. I can do both. I can space out and lead an entire country. Heck, look at Joe Biden. Looking useful, busy and competent is almost as tough a skill as actually being these things.
The day after my navel gazing competition is Valentine’s Day. Nothing says the gift of love like being chosen the world’s newest autocrat.
My resume is ready. I look forward to somebody in the human resources call center letting me know that I have at least been granted an interview.
I hope it is a telephone interview. With all due respect to the people of Egypt, they are in a worse state of chaos as Detroit. Ok, not that bad, but close.
Until things get resolved, I will imitate the current American leader and just sit on the sidelines.
Like him, once the hard work is done I will be ready to show up, smile for the camera, issue meaningless words, and have praise heaped upon me just because I like it.
I really do hope I get this Egypt leader job thing. I don’t want to stay that long, but like Hillary Clinton, I am fine with taking a job I know nothing about just to build my resume.
If I do a good job running Egypt, I may even try being Mayor of Oakland.
Jerry Brown did that job. How hard can it be?
Once I can get the internet and information blackout lifted in Cairo, I look to end the NFL blackout lifted for Raider home games.
eric
Um, I hate to break this to ya’, but South Africa is 80% “black.” It’s not even 10% white. I’d love to know where you got the insane notion that South Africa is a majority white country…
Anyway, good luck with your job hunt! Personally, I’m waiting for the position to open in North Korea. It’s be fun! Like playing the video game Civilization! You literally get to start from the very beginning, at the Paleolithic, and work your way up to today! I was going to try to mold the country after New Zealand, with sheep everywhere and the occasional Hobbit trying to destroy rings in volcanoes…
JMJ
“I was going to try to mold the country after New Zealand, with sheep everywhere and the occasional Hobbit trying to destroy rings in volcanoes…”
You’d have to nuke it first if you wana start from the Paleoithic era.
Or, you could give em all turbans, same thing
Editor’s note: This column was written late at night and I was tired. That is an explanation, not an excuse. I have known for a long time that South Africa is majority black over white by about 87 to 13%. I meant to say that both nations had black leaders, but it was phrased badly. Because South Africa is overwhelmingly black, the analogy fails.
My bad. The column has been corrected.
eric :) aka the Tygrrrr Express