THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

As a new year approaches, I continue my annual tradition of not making New Year’s resolutions. I find them pointless. People make them for only two purposes. The first reason is to feel good taking a principled stand before breaking the resolutions. The second reason is to brag loudly to friends and then disobey the resolutions. The second reason is much worse because it is better to be a quiet phony than become a loud insufferable one.

One reason I go after so many liberal groups is because they are insufferable phonies.

As we all know, the National Organization for Women are a bunch of hags and harpies who do not care about women at all. They defend liberal male misogynists and attack conservative women routinely.

The NAACP has zero interest in helping blacks. They routinely attack conservative blacks while defending guilty white liberal racists.

Liberal Jewish organizations care about liberalism and claim it is Judaism. Republican Jews need not apply, while leftist anti-Semites like the Daily Kos, Huffington Post, Moveon.org, and Code Pink are given lifetime passes to your favorite hatred theme park.

Now animal rights activists have decided to abandon their principals in favor of ramming their heads up a certain leftist leader’s hide.

President Barack Obama recently called Phladelphia Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie because Lurie is married to one of these Laurie David type environmental greeniacs who thinks that because she married a guy who owns a team, she can impose her utopia on the fans. Sorry to disappoint her, but most fans care about their team winning on Sunday, not what cups they drink the beverages out of. Anyway, I will leave her intrusiveness for another day.

Mr. Obama praised Mr. Lurie for giving Michael Vick a second chance by allowing him to play for the Eagles. Mr. Vick was a rising NFL star when he went to prison for two years for dogfighting. I personally have zero objections to Vick playing again. He served his time. I will have more to say about that in the future as well. His actions were vile and criminal, and he was punished. I also have zero objections to Mr. Obama commenting on the matter. After all, given his reputation for being an effeminate beta male who bowls a 37, commenting about football makes him sound like an actual guy.

My objection is with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They issued a statement supporting the president for offering compassion for Vick. What a bunch of morally bankrupt hypocrites they are.

I am not an animal rights activist. So Vick playing does not violate my burning passion that gets me out of bed in the morning. Animal rights groups have been hanging Vick from nooses (Hanging black people from nooses is not racist when leftists do it) and burning him in effigy (again, lynching is fine so long as the accelerant is poured by liberals) and recommending that he be put to death (Ironically they are usually against the death penalty for murder, proving again they care for animals more than people).

So Vick is in the animal rights world the personification of evil. Yet Barack Obama showing compassion for Vick is perfectly acceptable. Why is this the case?

Because Obama is a leftist. If George W. Bush had made that phone call the leftist animal rights activists would be screaming in rage. Remember, these are the people chanting “meat is murder.” These are the people comparing the operations at Kentucky Fried Chicken to slavery and the Holocaust.

These are the people who howled when Sarah Palin went hunting on her new television show. Yet Barack Obama shows compassion to their public enemy number one, and there is stone cold silence. Maybe if Michael Vick announced that he converted to Christianity in prison and asked for a tax cut, they would finally go after him again.

Consistency means intellectual integrity. I supported Vick being allowed back in the league, so I cannot and will not criticize President Obama for expressing the same sentiment. PETA has shown that it is nothing more than another leftist interest group, and that some people are allowed to support Vick with zero consequences.

I have devised a sure fire way to tell if somebody engaging in a cause is sincere. If they do it and shut up about it, they care. If they brag to everybody under the sun so they can get invited to socially conscious dinner parties, they are full of cr@pola.

So my advice to every group is to just shut up. Be gay and shut up. Drive a Prius, just shut up. Care about bunny rabbits more than human beings, just shut up.

Or, you can be like me. I frequently brag about my heroism. I shall now confess that my motives were not altruistic.

I declared my civil rights heroism when I became the second coming of Rosa Parks. Except in my case I gave up my seat on a bus to a black woman.

I confess, I did not deserve an NAACP award. I was getting off at the stop anyway.

I declared myself an animal rights hero when I told a girl in a bar to “Save a horse, ride a cowboy.”

I confess, I did not care about animals. I was trying to get her naked so she could scream like a wild animal banshee for me. Plus, Big and Rich are cool.

I declared myself a hero to the gay rights movement by offering a brilliant compromise that makes the political compromises of centuries past seem inconsequential by comparison. I offered to support increased gay rights for men but ban them for women.

I confess, gay men are doing me a favor by reducing my competition while lesbians are selfish, not thinking about my needs.

I even offered to compromise further on my own compromise, supporting the rights of “attractively challenged” lesbians to stay together while only restricting the hot ones.

I confess, hot women need to stop being so in love with each other and start focusing on me. I will even sleep with both of them if that helps them bond later on.

You see how easy it is to claim to care? People who brag about carbon footprint reductions and other offsets know they are phonies. They just need to shut up about it.

Well today I am launching my newest civil rights heroism initiative.

I am now going to support integration.

No, I am not talking about calculus. I know that tangent is opposite over adjacent, but I don’t know what I just said. I did at one time. Tangent is also what this paragraph is about to be, so let me refocus. Back to integration.

It is time for ebony and ivory to come together. It is time to let the white and the black come together in my home. It will be a peaceful, clean union.

For those who hate mixing, shame on you. I will no longer live in a world where there is segregation by color.

From now on, no more separating lights and darks.

My laundry loads will be mixed, and I don’t care if Jesse Jackson or Pat Buchanan has a problem with this.

It is nobody’s business what I do with my unmentionables. I don’t even let the women I date see what gets tossed in there. It is not their d@mn business. Unlike a past president, boxers or briefs is not your concern.

If they end up gray, so what? It is called underclothing for a reason, something high school kids really need to understand when contemplating new fashions in “outerware.”

If America can elect a mulatto as our leader, I sure as heck will not be told to separate and do separate laundry cycles. To quote Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself.”

This action also makes me an environmental hero, since doing fewer loads means using less water.

Why should I spend money at Victoria’s Secret getting my new romantic administration pink (redacted) for her lovely (redacted)? Throwing a red t-shirt in with the whites does the same d@mn thing.

So now I am a civil rights hero, an environmental hero, and a sensitive male who understands that saving money allows me to spend money on women for more useful purchases, such as NFL Playoff tickets.

To thank you all for appreciating my heroism, I will continue in 2011 to do what the purpose of the TYGRRR EXPRESS blog has been from the beginning. I will expose leftist hypocrites for the charlatans they are and call them out on their ideological bigotry.

You Republicans, don’t think you get away unscathed. Don’t preach family values and then screw everything in sight, including little boys. Either keep it in your d@mn pants, or be like me, run wild and free, and refuse to discuss morality.

I prefer the first option for Republican leaders and the second option for me. Now that is consistency I can believe in.

Now since Mr. Obama is obsessed with change, he can make himself useful and get me a roll of quarters. Laundry is not cheap.

Actually, I have a washer and a dryer in my condo, but I could always use the quarters for the soda machine. No dollar bill is ever crisp enough to satisfy that beast.

Now to help spread racial peace and love throughout the world, or at least throughout my apartment. The dryer is done, and unless a hot Republican Jewish brunette is going to show up at my door in a French maid’s uniform, I will have to fold the d@mn stuff myself.

Happy 2011 America.

You’re welcome.

eric

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 30th, 2010 at 4:04 am and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.