THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Hanukkah 2010 has concluded, but for those wondering, I absolutely did not forget to remind people on this holiday how much I love to push buttons of those who deserve it.

A couple years back I wrote a Hanukkah column called “Light a Candle, Smack a woman.”

To this day it is one of my most controversial columns, and one that I remain defiantly proud of having written.

So many hags and harpies have been offended by that column. Even some intelligent women I respect were bothered by it.

(Not a single man complained about it.)

Yet what almost all of these women have in common?

They did not actually read the column.

Again, my cause is ending ideological bigotry, the hatred of conservatives by those on the left simply because we on the right exist and breathe air. Leftists are the the Palesimians of the world, except leftists are sadly enough not fictional.

So I have a message for anybody that dares to criticize one of my columns.

You had better read it first.

Then after you read it I will still tell you why you are wrong, but at least you will have read what you hate.

I deliberately use provocative titles. That is called shock value.

I claimed to have a picture of a half-naked Muhammad with a goat that I posted.

People who saw the picture were not in any way offended. Those who did not click on it were angry, because uninformed outrage is their way of life.

So yes, I wrote a Hanukkah candle called “Light a Candle, Smack a woman.”

In fact, I added portions of it to my first book. It was that good. I know. I wrote it.

It actually cost me a writing gig at the Jewish Liberal Journal.

A basket case of a woman I went to college with became her typical hysterical self, allowing emotion to murder what little reason she possessed.

JLJ Editor Rob Eshman, since downgraded to Eshboy, caved pretty quickly. I don’t blame him. That woman was nuts. She was single, Jewish, and attractive, and I am glad I did not have sex with her. That tells you all you need to know.

Anyway, my readership is now bigger than the JLJ in terms of breadth and whatever passes for depth at that paper.

So I will continue to point out that when the left calls me racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, and genuinely not nice, that is code for me being right and them being wrong.

I have an absolute hostility to liberalism. It is poison. It pits people against each other, divides them according to various interest groups, pretends to care about some of the groups, and leaves everybody including the pretended favorite groups worse off.

The NAACP has done nothing in the last couple of decades to help black people.

The NOW is a bigger disaster for women than some of their mating rituals.

La Raza cares nothing about Hispanics.

Leftist gay groups have doe nothing for gays but create a backlash that has slowed progress.

Try being a conservative Republican who happens to be black, female, Hispanic, or gay. See how “minority” groups who “care” about minorities react.

This past week Kathy Griffin savaged Bristol Palin for no other reason than she is the daughter of somebody who is well-adjusted, happy, successful in her marriage and parenting, and politically conservative.

Let’s see what would happen if such viciousness was perpetrated against the Obama children.

(No, don’t. Leave all the kids alone.)

I will again repeat what I say every year until I am proven wrong by behavioral changes in the female mistakes at NOW.

It is perfectly acceptable to abuse women physically, psychologically, and sexually, provided that one of two conditions exist.

Either the perpetrator has to be politically liberal or the victim has to be politically conservative.

To be more specific, the perpetrator can just be anti-conservative while the victim is anti-liberal. This allows the inclusion of Arab Muslim male violence against their own women, which is perfectly acceptable.

I know I am far from perfect. I say things I shouldn’t.

I am sure my parents, friends, and romantic liaisons don’t appreciate reading that I have fantasies about Christine O’Donnell that are not keeping in line with Western religious doctrines.

She is hot, and guys like hot girls.

As for her female critics focusing on anything other than substantive policy issues, well they just deserve a belt in the chops. Stick up for your “sister” when she is being butchered rather than toss her away like week old leftover meat just because she is not liberal.

I do not know what else to do to make these leftists stop acting like themselves and just learn to treat conservative human beings with dignity.

What we need is the ideological version of the Tuskegee experiment.

Oh, I know I just made some people explode in rage, so some quick clarification. The actual Tuskegee experiment was evil, horrible, and wrong. I condemn it.

We should not sterilize people based on race. We should do it on ideology. Give everybody a civility test. If they flunk it, they are banned from reproducing.

Could this blow up on me like a Palesimian homicide bomber? Of course it could. I am fine with this. The last thing the world needs is my offspring. With my luck they will get indoctrinated by some leftist college professor anyway. The law would not allow me to put an ankle bracelet around them that went off every time somebody around them spouted idiocy contrary to my teachings.

So while the left rants and raves about my “light a candle, smack a woman” column that they never read, perhaps they ought to get their own leftist hypocritical blouse in order.

Start being consistent and defending everybody who deserves it with the same equal passion.

Remember, accidents happen. Bristol Palin did not expect to become pregnant.

(That is not the accident. That is a gift from God.)

Despite her being a nurturing and loving mother like Sarah Palin was, Bristol Palin’s child could somehow turn out defective and become a liberal.

By savaging Bristol Palin, you are attacking the mother of a potential liberal.

I would rather reach across the aisle and build bridges rather than burn them. I even allow liberals in my home, provided they shut up when the game is on.

If I sound angry, it is due to two things.

The Republican Jewish brunette I wanted to show up at my door for Hanukkah wearing a blue and white strategically placed Hanukkah bow…and only a Hanukkah bow…did not do so.

She also did not let me take a ping pong paddle to her spectacular (redacted), which is a shame because she truly was a naughty little RJB.

(Hey wow, I just invented a new acronym, despite hating acronyms. Cool.)

So as for you Griffins out there, whether mythical unicorn hating beasts (according to the book of Gutfeld), or leftist man-hating beasts yourselves, I have advice for you.

You really could use a good spanking.

Happy Hanukkah. Now go light the candles while I get some ointment for your (redacted).

eric

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 9th, 2010 at 10:03 am and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.