I had the pleasure of being the opening act for conservative comedian Evan Sayet. The event took place at the famous Laugh Factory in Hollywood. Evan offered me some guidance, but did not censor me in any way.
While I am very relaxed in front of crowds, I am nervous before going on the stage. I just want to get it over with. Nevertheless, once I am done, and I can sit down, I relax.
The crowd gave me enthusiastic applause throughout my performance. Given a choice between succeeding and sucking, I prefer the former. I am thankful the audience loved my performance. I can now pretend I knew they would love me. I told Evan Sayet that while I would be honored to do another set, I heard a rumor that it would have to be new material. Apparently I cannot say the same stuff each time. I had better get to work.
One very sad note is that the Laugh Factory did not allow us to videotape this performance. This is depressing because none of my performances have been videotaped. On the one hand, I am not on You-Tube, so my parents do not need to keep changing their last name and address any more. The downside is I still have no proof that some people out there find me as lovable as all people should.
I started with a bang, and never let up. Below is my off the cuff routine.
“Guard the rails, because I am about to go off.”
“As the son of a Holocaust survivor, I don’t sing Kumbaya with people who want to kill me.”
“Being the son of a survivor does not make me a victim because my dad wins every argument. When I would tell him as a teenager that social studies class was too hard, he would ask, ‘Did you get shot at this week?’ The answer was no, at which point he would have me visit my room, and open the books.”
“My parents live in South Florida, and informed me that in 2000, world peace actually broke out. We are now at peace. After all, it was heartwarming to see fellow elderly Jewish Holocaust survivors have the courage to let bygones be bygones, put aside the past, and vote for Pat Buchanan.”
“My dad gave me strict instructions. ‘Son, if your mother and I ever get to the point where we can’t figure out a ballot…or we are too feeble to push the thing through…euthanize us, the house is yours.’ I love my parents, but it is a nice house. That’s why I walk around with a clipboard appraising things.”
“I see some Jews in the audience. Without pointing them out (I pretended to point at specific people), I just want to advise everybody that if you are going to speak to an audience that contains Jews, do not try to get to the event by using a Palestinian GPS Tracker. I made a wrong turn, and ended up at a cemetery. I then heard a sinister voice tell me, ‘You have reached your final destination!’ I got so angry that I threw the GPS tracker out the window, which was good, because 5 seconds later, it exploded.”
“The world is upside down. We now have a world where the President of France is more pro-American than half the people living in the United States. We live in a world where the leader of France wants to fight, and people wanting to lead America want to surrender. France is laughing at us because they want to act like us, and we are becoming them.”
“We live in a world where Israel is a mess because Ehud Olmert is a disaster. Things are upside down when Jews are fleeing Israel for a better quality of life for Jews by moving to Germany.”
“People are carping from the sidelines that we need to withdraw from Iraq. All I hear from democrats is withdrawal, withdrawal, withdrawal. I wish they would apply that philosophy to their sex lives, then there would be less democrats.”
“I am also tired of listening to Iranian President Armageddonijad. The solution is not dialogue. The solution is to take Iran and Syria and turn them into 50,000 hole golf courses.”
“I refuse to negotiate with a third world despot that is probably awake at 2am watching the Playboy Channel and dialing 976-B Triple A.”
“Regarding the war, when a war is lost, and there is no hope, we have a moral obligation to pull the troops out and not risk one more death on a senseless lost cause. Therefore, we must remove all police officers and other troops out of Detroit and deploy them to Iraq where they can actually make a difference.”
“I keep hearing about senseless killings and war zones. I have never been to Fallujah, but I have been to New York City public schools.”
“Liberals talk about not being able to secure the Anbar Province. They can’t even secure Philadelphia.”
(Given my romance with the Chicago Cannonball, Chicago is off limits. This was communicated to me in a manner I understand. I would rather jokes be off limits than ever have her yummy bouncies be off limits)
“Liberals have no idea how to win a war on terror. They don’t know Pakistanis from Afghanis. They would just arrest all guys with excessive beards. I could just picture them fighting the War on Terror. ‘We’ve shut down 2 Chabad Houses and arrested the members of ZZ Top. We are winning, everything is under control.’”
“We need to defeat liberalism, but we keep letting principles get in the way. Liberals can win because they ignore principles. We need to ignore principles, starting with abortion. A woman came up to me and said that she was tired of republicans being against her right to an abortion. I told her, ‘Have 1000 abortions. Join the abortion of the month club for all I care. Preach to your friends to have them as well.’ She wondered why I was so tolerant, but folks, again, it goes back to how close the 2000 election was. Every vote counts. It will help us because the liberals will be the ones having most of the abortions. They are killing off their own voters. They are trying to commit legalized eugenics. We need to let them.”
“Then we can move on to gun control. Liberals favor it, and conservatives are against it. We should take the guns away from the liberals and give them to us. That way if there is ever a controversial election like 2000 that can’t be resolved peacefully, we will win, because we will have all the guns.”
“Then we can move on to taxes. Liberals want higher taxes, and conservatives want lower taxes. Liberals also favor wealth redistribution. We should simply take money from them and give it to us. They can’t stop us. After all, as I just said, we will have all the guns.”
“Then they will try and attack us on gay rights. Folks, I have no problem with gay men. Heck, they are doing me a favor by reducing my competition.”
“This tolerance does not extend to lesbians. Jesus hates them.”
“I guess I am just bitter. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Tammy Bruce still won’t go out with me. I wish we could just take a page from Al Gore’s carbon offsets and trade women. We could donate Roseanne Barr to the gay community in exchange for Tammy Bruce coming back to the straight side so that I can delude myself into thinking I have a shot.”
“I do have some good news. I have appointed myself the leader for black America today. After all, I am much more qualified than Jesse Jackson. I have done nothing, which is an improvement over Jesse. Zero beats a negative.”
“Jesse Jackson used the n-word. He should be banned from this club (The owner of the Laugh Factory, in the wake of the Michael Richards scandal, banned use of the n-word. I totally support this). I never did.”
“Jesse Jackson threatened to cut off a black man’s body parts. The only thing I want to cut from black men is their taxes.”
“Jesse Jackson is only threatening to do to Obama what Hillary wants to do to Bill every night because of Monica. Jesse Jackson is not an angry black man. He is an angry, jealous woman.”
“For those who think I can’t represent the black leadership, I will offer a meaningless platitude in the great tradition of Barack Obama. ‘It is wrong to judge a man’s race by the color of his skin.’ Therefore, anybody who says I can’t represent black America just because of the color of my skin is a racist.”
“Another woman stirring up controversy is Michelle Obama. Some men see women like Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah Winfrey, and are threatened. These women are uppity, and need to tone it down. Other people see these strong, successful women as a sign of how much progress America has made and how far we have come. I see these women, and think, ‘Wow…Baby got back.’”
“Oh, like I am the only guy in this room that has fantasies about Monique from Showtime at the Apollo.”
“As for Barack Obama, I am proud of him. He has proven that a black man in America truly can make it to the top of the heap and contend for the leadership of the free world by being just as full of cr@p as the white man.”
“Yet I want to give Barack Obama credit. I will always be grateful to him for taking down Hillary Clinton. We couldn’t beat the Clintons for 8 years, and he did it. No matter what else happens, I thank him for that.”
“In that spirit, I now present a song I wrote celebrating the destruction of the Hillary Clinton campaign. It was written the night of the Hawaii and Wisconsin primaries. The best part was when the early returns from Hawaii came in, and Hillary had exactly 666 votes. I immediately tivoed it. As for the song, I shall now present my version of ‘Copacabana,’ a celebration of Hillary’s implosion.”
“Thank you. I can’t tell if the red light is on or not, so I am going to keep talking until I get the signal.”
(I then got the signal)
“I just want to say that it is an honor to live in a country with great men like John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, and Evan Sayet. I hope they all win their lawsuit against Dr. Bosley.”
“God Bless You, and God Bless America.”
I was greeted warmly by the crowd at the end of the evening, and the praise was overwhelming. Given that virtually everybody I know in real life keeps me humble, getting a swelled head will not be a problem. Then again, adulation is nice.
I thank Evan Sayet for having horrible taste in warm up acts. May he never learn, because I know I never will.