THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

“Ca-li-forn-ia gurls are un-re-li-a-ble, fro-sted flakes with nuts on top…

Doc-tor Spock would find this song i-llo-gi-cal, oh no oh noooooo…”

For those wondering how the heck Katy Perry (whoever she is) stumbled onto this blog, it is because finally somebody has offered something that is as vacuous and vapid as Barack Obama. Even by California standards, a song celebrating the lack of substance in California has been outdone.

In fact, it might be one of the five most substanceless offerings in the history of words, and the only phrase not offered by Mr. Obama

(Although I can picture him at a Barbara Boxer fundraiser telling the crowd “West Coast Represent!” Boxer would pretend to know what he was talking about.)

The other phrases are “hope,” “change,” “yes we can,” and “Girl Power!”

Ok, I admit it, Mr. Obama did not say the last one. That was the Spice Girls. It is so easy to get confused when one offers meaningless slogans. They all blend in to one giant ball of shallowness.

This brings me to the queen of shallow, a fictional woman who after three decades of babbling and complaining about nonsense will finally be leaving us.

Cathy is saying goodbye on October 3rd for good. Cathy Guisewite (the cartoonist) will still live, but her cartoon character Cathy will go.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/13/books/13arts-AFTER34YEARS_BRF.html

Men everywhere should high five over this.

I have nothing against Cathy Guisewite. I have never met her. Her comic strip was apolitical, and certainly not mean. She could very well be a lovely human being.

Yet “Cathy” represented everything that could possibly be wrong with women. If one were to take every negative quality about women and somehow combine them into one gigantic disastrous train wreck, Cathy would be it.

(Men have plenty of bad qualities. We just don’t brag about them in print.)

Cathy was neurotic, obsessing over her weight and her inability to get her boyfriend to marry her. Then he did marry her, loved her just the way she was, and she responded by remaining as obsessive and compulsive as ever. Many times poor Irving would wonder what exactly he did wrong, and why she was upset for no particular reason.

For those who want to save hundreds of thousands of dollars on therapy bills, let me help save people money.

Men are literal creatures. If you want to understand us, take the words at face value.

Comedian Chris Rock phrases it in a very tactless manner. “Men want three things…food…sex…silence…feed me, f*ck me, and shut the f*ck up.”

I am going to be more tactful (for once).

I am a simple guy. Think of me as the doll with the string in the back. You pull the string. It only says three or four things. “I’m hungry.” “I’m thirsty.” “I’m sleepy.” “I want to watch the ballgame.”

(It says one other thing but again I am trying to be tactful here.)

If I am upset because my team lost, it does not mean I think the woman in my life is fat or ugly. It really does mean that I get way too worked up over football. Yeah, guys take this stuff hard.

Picture a conversation taking place between couple all across the globe.

Woman: How do I look in this outfit?

Man: (I am never going to get out of this conversation alive).

You look beautiful (a sincere answer).

Woman: What does that mean?

Man (oh dear lord here we go. My evening is about to get ruined.)

It means you look beautiful.

(This is followed by questions that make a presidential press conference after a scandal look like a walk in the park. The man gets in trouble, wondering how a compliment could go so wrong.)

Again, men have plenty of flaws. Belching in public (which I never do…I am civilized) is not a rite of male passage. It is bad manners.

Some guys are abusers. They abuse women physically, sexually, and psychologically. These men should be locked in a cage where guys like myself can beat the daylights out of them while yelling at them, “Stop messing it up for the rest of us!”

The difference is that men actually try to hide their flaws. If they don’t, they should.

Cathy Comic, who I understand does not represent all women (too many of them, even if not a plurality) celebrates the woman as an insecurity driven lunatic. She even bought a dog as a replacement for the baby that would “never” come. I felt for the dog.

Look, if I go bald, I may have to sell my family for Rogaine. Or I can be sane and accept what life offers. I gained a few pounds and did what people should do in that situation…I bought bigger clothing.

Cathy took pride in her neuroses. This had the effect of many women looking at Cathy and thinking, “I can relate, girlfriend.”

This is not something to be proud of. Driving everybody around you crazy because of neuroses is not positive. Cathy cannot and should not ever be accepted as the norm for female behavior. If it is, the war between the sexes will become Armageddon. Ironically, the women will be mad when we try to fight and also when we try to surrender.

Life is about decisions, and most decision matrices have right and wrong decisions. Yet in the world of Cathy, every decision Irving made was wrong. If “A” is wrong and “Not A” is also wrong, is it no wonder that the Irvings of the world beat their heads against the wall?

I know some will claim that I am playing the role of Dan Quayle criticizing Murphy Brown (he was right, Candace Bergen was smug), but Cathy cannot be “just fictional” and also “resonate.”

Too many women today are nuts. Part of it is the feminist mistake of the 1970s that told them that they did not need men.

(Ironically while many of these women became spinsters, the original flaming feminist leaders happily settled into marriage. They also married upward. There is no sin in finding security in wealthy men, but the hypocrisy was typical outraged activist behavior.)

(A deeper irony was that Cathy was no feminist. The feminists probably hated her for caring what others thought.)

Men and women need each other. We are better off when we communicate with each other in a normal manner. This involves listening to each other.

Yet listening and being tolerant does not mean accepting lunacy. I am not your father or your brother or your ex-girlfriend. I am a totally different guy. The fact that a guy with a goatee and glasses made you feel bad 10 years ago does not mean I will.

For those who think I am projecting my own experiences, I have been one of the lucky ones. Most of the relationships I have had have been healthy. We did not get married, but I did not think they needed to be committed to a mental institution. My grandparents were happy. My parents are happy. I am a basically happy guy.

My friends have not always been so lucky.

I just cannot look at Cathy and think that anything positive can come from her bizarre behavior. It certainly does not make for healthy relationships.

Dysfunction does not have to be the norm. Lunacy does not have to be the order of the day. Constant hassles over nonsense does not need to be what life is about.

As one of my male friends, who married a normal (yes they do exist) woman, once said, “I like coming home to her.”

My parents have a refrigerator magnet that says “happiness is being married to your best friend.” I am sure it helps matters that my mother is not crazy.

I will say for the Milli Vanillionth time that there are plenty of things men can do to improve. This certainly includes me.

Yet if women want a good head start on making things better on their end, be the anti-Cathy.

Observe her, and never be like her.

Cathy, you were not a bad (fictional) person. You were never malicious. You had a good heart.

You were just crazy.

You should have been locked up years ago or given enough sedatives to calm you.

After 34 years, maybe it is time for women to observe a better role model. Between a neurotic weight obsessed lunatic and a model stick figure who is an anorexic’s dream, there is a middle ground. A great example would be “Sally Forth.”

Sally is a wife, mother, and ardent feminist. Yet her husband is not a Phil Donahue pansy (although he does hide on the really bad days, which is understandable). Sally is not a ranting, raving momzilla. Sally is a great portrayal of a woman as a moderate feminist…proud to be female, assertive, yet pleasant.

Goodbye Cathy. Do not let the door hit your rumpus on the way out.

As for your rumpus, I have no comment whatsoever. I don’t make any comments where there are only wrong answers that will take years off my life while allowing me to catch your contagious insanity.

As a friend of mine (who happened to be black) said to me a decade ago, “The differences between black and white are nothing compared to the differences between men and women. As long as you are a man, there is a chance I can understand you.”

May gender relations somehow get better before everyone is miserable and all hope for happiness is extinguished.

It starts by celebrating healthy minds and quarantining the damaged ones far away from the dating and marriage pools.

Screwed up people almost never get better. They only drag the healthy people down.

Cathy was not funny. She was destructive.

Goodbye Cathy. Farewell and good riddance.

eric

Today is June 21st, the first day of Summer. Every June 21st the Tygrrrr Express lets unimportant issues such as war, pestilence, and economic turmoil take a back seat until the next day.

The first day of Summer is where I reveal my annual list of the top 30 women in politics, also known as the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Unlike the Miss America pageant, this is strictly a beauty contest.

Here are past winners and musings from the blogosphere on other nominees.

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies/

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies-of-2009/

http://rightwingnews.com/mt331/2009/06/the_10_hottest_liberal_women_i.php

http://www.elistmania.com/still/18_hot_female_politicians/showall/

As is the case every year, finding enough liberals was difficult. Finding enough independents was next to impossible. There was an overdose of conservatives.

Here are the liberals.

10) Jennifer Turner–She is an Islamist, also known as an ACLU human rights advocate. She is the only woman on the list without a picture. This is not due to her support of Jihadists. I do not let suicide bombers get in the way of judging hot women. I simply cannot find a picture. I met her in real life, and her lack of logical reasoning is matched by her spectacular appendages. She would be shot to death if she dressed that way in the Arab nations she champions.

9) Tanya Acker–I thought she was a supermodel when I met her on a plane. She is a smart, accomplished, nice woman who is also a fierce debater.

Christine Pelosi–Her mother is detestable. She is delectable. Perhaps she is adopted.

7) Kirsten Gillibrand–The accidental New York Senator is prettier than Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer combined, even if her rump roast cannot match Hilldawgs.

6) Kirsten Powers–A pair of Kirstens made the list. This one is one of the honest liberals out there, although the bar is low. Her last name reflects what her body possesses.

5) Maria Cantwell–The Washington State Senator is gorgeous and wealthy. That is an enticing combo.

4) Sarah Silverman–Only a woman as hot as Sarah could get away with the filth that comes from her mouth. She actually told young people to threaten to boycott their grandparents unless they voted liberal.

3) Tamara Holder–She helps dead people vote and supports corruption. Translation: She is a Chicago civil rights attorney. Even community organizers can be sexy.

2) Leslie Marshall–This fiery radio host could be an underwear model. Instead she just offers scorched Earth liberalism, with a smile.

1) Contessa Brewer–This MSNBC host is your standard leftist basket case. She actually lamented when a terrorist turned out to be a Radical Islamist, as if that was a surprise. Who cares? She is hot.

http://www.dinarius.com/commentable/images/41.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Z1B85CATCYU/SIDjGNSMhJI/AAAAAAAAAN8/BWfyrDcUqhQ/s400/ChristinePelosi-12.jpg

http://the44diaries.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XWMHOKSnvhg/RfYzGKZaZII/AAAAAAAAAmQ/KUj3bK_RQHE/s400/kirsten+powers.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JGL1d34UldU/SyhX7cHyjGI/AAAAAAAAB-M/W_wBOZ08SXE/s400/Maria+Cantwell.jpg

http://jayfingers.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/1388603579_787db23cc92.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_NPeIdlHaoaQ/SzIqsYd9gyI/AAAAAAAAFu8/aOrEEhO_mnc/s400/Tamara

http://www.lesliemarshall.us/images/fullLeslie_new.jpg

http://media.photobucket.com/image/contessa%20brewer/anchorbabes/contessabrewer5.jpg

Here are the independents:

10) Rachel Uchitel–Although she is not really political, she is the Ashley Dupree of this list. She was the first Tiger Woods mistress to come forward, giving her the distinction of being the first woman to ever make anybody have a reason to actually care about golf.

9) Juju Chang–This Good Morning America correspondent may not get me to watch her show or any show at that unheavenly hour, but those waking up at the crack of dawn should enjoy her.

Dawn Fratangelo–This NY correspondent has had a ton of pain in her life, so I will tread lightly. I hope somehow she finds inner peace to match her outer beauty.

7) Robin Meade–An attractive journalist who actually keeps her opinions to herself. hat is refreshing and admirable.

6) Anita McNaught–Her aristocratic accent combines nicely with her serious demeanor and seriously good looks.

5) Tammy Bruce–She insists that she is a lesbian, but I suspect that is a ploy to keep men away. Of course, if the women she has sex with are also hot, they will make future lists.

4)Campbell Brown–She might not make the list next year since she quit her CNN show. She is as dignified as my conducting this list is undignified.

3) Kiran Chetry–When a Fox News lady faces too much competition, she goes to CNN and wins hands and legs down.

2) Lauren Sivan–This Fox News anchor is simply smoldering.

1) Dagan McDowell/Maria Bartiromo–Dagan McDowell is Scarlett O’Hara on Wall Street.  Maria Bartiromo is the CNBC Money Honey. The financial collapse did not keep them from rocketing to the top of the list in this column.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/12/27/article-0-07B29D86000005DC-166_468×635.jpg

http://a.abcnews.go.com/images/Politics/abc_juju_chang_090116_main.jpg

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Bylines/mugs/NBC%20News/nbc_fratangelo_dawn_061019.vsmall.jpg

http://globalgrind.com/i/CIT/I66/243/7.334168.jpg

http://images.usatoday.com/news/_photos/2006/08/16/fox.jpg

http://www.tammybruce.com/

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/brown.campbell.html

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/KiranChetry/

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/talent/lauren-sivan/

http://www.daganmcdowell.com/

http://dealbreaker.com/_old/images/entries/maria_bartiromo_cnbc.jpg

While the conservatives are bombshells, the real bombshells come in the form of who…and who is not…on the list.

Andrea Tantaros and Mary Katharine Ham are not on the list.

No, I have not lost my marbles. This is an election year. There are so many new women that the Republican list is entirely new, with not a single name from last year.

Even Shannon Doherty, the Republican brunette goddess who will most likely win the lifetime political yummy bouncy award if I ever create one, did not make the cut. Dancing with the Stars is not political, despite the performance of Tom Delay.

Judith Regan did not make the list because she has been keeping a low profile. South Carolina Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley did not make the cut because the list was compiled before she lit up the screen.

With that, here are the conservatives.

10) KT McFarland–I know, people will say I am off my rocker on this one. There is just something sexy about a Neocon Reaganite at any age.

9) Harris Faulkner/Megan Kelly–These Fox News correspondents combine toughness with pleasantness. Ph yeah, and they are hot, with Faulkner being a former beauty queen winner.

Marsha Blackburn/Mary Bono Mack–A blonde from Tennessee and a brunette from Palm Springs. They make a great Congressional pair. I would insert a tactless remark here, but they are good Republican women who deserve better.

7) Pam Bondi–She is running for the attorney general job in Florida. She is so tough and hot that she should change her name to Pam Bondage. I could picture her in charge of the penal code any day of the week.

6) Elizabeth Halseth/Mande Wilkes–They are running for the state legislature in Nevada and South Carolina respectively. Elizabeth is adorable, while Mande says inappropriate things ina  way that makes me proud.

5) Stevie Rae Rivenbark–Miss Wilmington nearly became Miss North Carolina.

4) Mary Smith–This Denver political consultant has a non-descript name but as descriptively lovely as it gets.

3) Melissa Goodwin/Laurie Ingram–These ladies are both politicos in Bastrop, Texas. One is running for judge, the other treasurer. A hot judge and a hot money lady makes for Bastrop being the best county in Texas, if not America.

2) Mattie Fein–She is a Republican Jewish brunette who is tough on Iran. That alone makes her worthy of a good paddling. She will be the hottest woman in the history of Congress if she can overthrow the mullahs by batting her eyelashes.

1) Samantha Cameron–The Carla Bruni/Segolene Royal role this year goes to the wife of British Prime Minister David Cameron. Shockingly enough, powerful men have hot wives. The last thing Britain needs is another sex scandal, but with this woman an exception must be made.

http://juliemenin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/kt-mcfarland-2.png

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/img/headshot_faulkner.jpg

http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlDC/original/megynkelly32.jpg

http://blogs.commercialappeal.com/the_shelf_life/Marsha%20Blackburn-pointing.jpg

http://inlandpolitics.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/bono-mack.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JQJmQlJQihY/SyPgHdx9PQI/AAAAAAAAGgY/1pdIBYBKLyw/s640/PAM+BONDI+ATTORNEY.jpg

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site577/2009/0916/20090916_083147_fein_200.jpg

http://www.525group.com/eblasts/ehalseth_images/Web-Header_eBlast.gif

http://fitsnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/mande2-m.jpg

http://www.missflorida.org/images/2005/Miss/First%20Coast%2005.jpg

http://www.bigredtoybox.com/networkpages/marysmith.jpg

http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/statesman/election/2006/melissa_goodwin.jpg

http://www.laurieingrambastrop.com/

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site577/2009/0916/20090916_083147_fein_200.jpg

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00003/1008_cameron2_280×247_3502a.jpg

When all is said and done, only one set of political yummy bouncies truly captivates me, and a picture will not be provided. The Miami Shark is the most stunning Republican Jewish brunette on Earth, with her liking football only enhancing everything else.

When I sleep at night, I do not count sheep. I count her yummy bouncies.

4…8…12…zzzzz

eric

In May of 2010 I was single.

In June of 2010 I met the Miami Shark. She is the loveliest woman on Earth, and I am truly blessed.

She is a Republican Jewish brunette who likes football. In fact, she works with the National Football League as a medical professional.

She is smart, funny, sweet, tough, and gorgeous.

She is 1/2 Hispanic, 1/2 Israeli, and 100% Jewish.

I met her in Miami, but she will be moving to Los Angeles at some point.

I refer to her as the Miami Shark because of her career as a football medical professional. The Miami Sharks were the football team from the movie “Any Given Sunday.”

We are officially a couple, and I am the happiest guy on the planet. She is happy as well, and it is nice that on virtually every level we are on the same wavelength.

Normally I would be making comments about her various physical attributes, but this girl is different. Don’t get me wrong. They are spectacular. Yet she is so much more than that.

She is everything a man could possibly want in a woman.

She brightens my days and life after dark.

She is my girlfriend, the Miami Shark.

eric

Today should be called Clusterf*ck Sunday thanks to the good people at Delta Airlines. Of course, the terms “good,” and “people” are subjective.

Somehow a first class flight to South Florida turned into a coach middle seat to Detroit, my favorite city except for every other one I have ever been to. There is nothing like a redeye sitting behind the only person on the plane who wants to read with the light on rather than sleep. FAA regulations prevented me from executing him.

I will buy a new sport jacket today since the last time I flew Delta, they gave me the wrong guy’s jacket back. Whoever he is, he got the better end of the deal. Even first class on Delta is dicey.

Only one thing in this world could cheer me up, and that would be to take a third trip to Miami in three months. So after speaking at an event in Miami, some South Beach ladies would sure hit the spot.

I am not sure what is better, a first class flight from Detroit to South Florida, or just knowing that I am leaving Detroit and headed to South Florida.

Bring on the women. I’ve earned it.

Here is my speaking schedule.

Sunday, May 16, 2010—I will be speaking to the Miami, Florida, 9/12 Project Tea Party Patriots at 3pm. Please contact Maria Wadsworth for details.

Monday, May 17, 2010—I will be speaking to the Republican Club of the Northern Palm Beaches, Florida at 5pm. Please contact Linda Gore for details.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010—I will be speaking to the Boynton Beach Republican Club near Palm Beach, Florida at 11:30am. Please contact Carol Andrade for details.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010—I will be speaking to the Wynmoor Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida at 7pm. Please contact Sid Feldman for details.

Thursday, May 20, 2010—I will be speaking to the Lakeland Republican Women near Tampa, Florida at Lunch. Please contact Dena Stebbins DeCamp for details.

Time for sleep, food, and women in that order. Welcome to Miami, Spring Break Part III.

eric

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, so I was nice to women. Enough warm and fuzziness. The gloves are back off.

Women have now been reduced to second class status. Beating them is now legal and encouraged.

It’s about d@mn time.

Not since Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla were on the “Man Show” has been being a member of the superior gender been so enjoyable.

I am so tired of the fact that men have to listen to women nag. I miss the old days where we can slap them in the mouth and end the conversation.

An old joke one of my former coworkers used to tell goes like this…

“What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?”

Answer: “Nothing. You already told her twice.”

Before the feminist hags and harpies get hysterical (too late), they should realize why I support violence against women.

I support it because they do as well.

Wait a minute. Didn’t you hear that loud press conference where the crybaby women burned their bras and asked for royal asskickings daily?

Perhaps you missed it. It was done quietly, the only time feminists are ever quiet about anything.

For those not paying attention to the NOW (with good reason, as always), a worthless organization declared open season on them.

The United Nations, which exists solely to hate America and Israel, named Iran to it’s human rights council dealing with women’s issues.

No wonder the Pelosiraptor put on a Burka when she went to Syria. They would have beaten the daylights out of her had she refused. She is pretty brave standing up to Republicans here, but boy did she know her place over there.

This UN action is consistent with the NOW caring not one bit about women.

Bill Clinton serially abused women. Ted Kennedy killed one. They are champions of women’s rights.

George W. Bush freed millions of women in the Middle East.

Sarah Palin balanced running an entire state and an entire family, producing a budget surplus and normal children.

Dubya and Palin are despised by the NOW.

Iran is a murderous regime led by a man who wants to kill all Jews and gays, and reduce all women to slaves.

Hey, if feminists like him, who am I to argue? He should beat up millions of women right now. What would women in this country say or do about it, something?

Come on. If he kills pregnant women, then he is pro-choice. He is on their side.

Some will say that just because the NOW are staying silent for the first time in their screaming, angry lives, does not mean they agree.

It is not like silence is acquiescence.

Oh wait, yes it is.

Women’s groups are protesting some immigration law in Arizona, despite the fact that the crime rate in Phoenix has killed many liberal women.

They are enraged over Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. They are silent over Iranian leader Armageddonijad.

These women know how to be assertive. Ask any guy who wants to watch football in peace when the trash has not been taken out.

So rather than fight for the rights of women, let’s just surrender. Let them be permanent second class citizens.

If that is what they want, that is what they deserve.

If somebody tried to take away my rights, I would scream bloody murder.

So go ahead Mr. Armageddonijad. Beat the daylights out of the women in your country. As long as you hate America and Israel, they will stay silent. Make derogatory remarks about George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, and the NOW will have you headline their next harpie convention. You will be treated better than a guest lecturer at a Poison Ivy league University.

As for the liberal women who object to my words, just shut up and sit down. You don’t matter. You said so yourself with your deafening silence.

Whatever you do, don’t criticize the United Nations or Armageddonijad. You might be mistaken for…heaven forbid…a conservative.

You stand for nothing, so you might as well sit there and shut up for once in your hypocritical leftist lives.

Now to watch sports and eat red meat. I hope my team beats the other team like they were women in Iran.

eric

In 2008 and 2009, I was in committed monogamous relationships. This tragic occurrence had me unable to hang out in Miami for Spring Break.

For those wondering why I go on Spring Break and date young, bouncy, giggly, jiggly, brunettes…

Because I can.

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2010/03/spring-break-2010-back-in-south-beach/

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/03/spring-break-2009-south-beach-revisited/

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/02/no-more-twinkies/

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/miami-will-smith-is-100-right/

After a three year drought, knowing that my time frame to do this was declining faster than American civilization itself, I stormed Miami Beach in March. I got to hit my favorite hangout place, “The Clevelander.” I love that place.

Sunday had me on a plane for the 2010 equivalent of Sherman’s March to the Sea. On April 4th at night I landed in South Florida, and on April 8th I begin bouncing between Georgia, Alabama, and even a quick stop in Tennessee.

I can’t wait to experience the hot in Hotlanta. Any town named Buckhead has to be entertaining.

Scarlett O’Hara looks good, but standing next to her and her twin sister would be twice as nice.

There will be plenty of business on this trip. My schedule is below.

As for the rest, pleasure is business, and business is d@mn good.

Two Spring Breaks in one month.

Spring Break 2010 Part II is now in session. Time for Miami Beach.

Because I can.

eric

Monday, April 5, 2010—I will be speaking to the Southwest Florida Republican Women near Naples at 11:30am. Arbor Trace on Vanderbilt Dr. Please contact Anne Brown for details.

Monday, April 5, 2010—I will be speaking to the Southwest Broward Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida in the evening. Please contact Jay Narang for details. TENTATIVE

Tuesday, April 6, 2010—I will be speaking to the Southeast Broward Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida in the evening. Please contact Eddie Napolitano for details. TENTATIVE

Wednesday, April 7, 2010—I will be speaking to the Lauderdale Beach Republican Club in Florida at 5:30pm. Stained Glass Pub, 5126 N Federal Hwy. Please contact Bob Wolfe for details.

Thursday, April 8, 2010—I will be speaking to the Marshall County Republican Women’s Federated near Huntsville, Alabama, at Noon. Please contact Sherri Spurlin for details.

Thursday, April 8, 2010—I will be speaking at the Blount County GOP Lincoln Day Dinner near Knoxville, Tennessee, at 6pm. William Blount High School, 219 County Farm Road, Maryville, 37801. Please contact Susan Mills for details.

Saturday, April 10, 2010—I will be speaking to the North Dekalb Republican Women’s Federated in Atlanta, Georgia, at 10:30am. Embry Hills Shopping Center at the corner of I-285 and Chamblee-Tucker Road. Please contact Tammy Johnson for details.

Saturday, April 10, 2010—I will be speaking at the Rockdale GOP Candidates BBQ, Noon (3pm). Please contact Don Williamson for details.

Saturday, April 10, 2010—I will be speaking at the Oglethorpe County Pancake Supper at 4pm (5pm) near Atlanta, Georgia. Please contact Kirk Shook for details.

Monday, April 12, 2010—I will be speaking to the Birmingham Republican Women’s Federated in Alabama at their evening fashion show. Please contact Sallie Bryant for details.

eric

I am NEVER running for political office.

Let me repeat this for those that are looking for hidden clues or ambiguous meanings.

I am not, nor will I ever, run for political office.

I do have a deep passion for politics, but being a politician will not happen.

I have been approached about running in the past.

Being a politician requires a certain level of ego. When speculation swirls around a potential politico, they get built  up until they start believing their own press clippings. Then once they give in and think they really are the second coming, the knives come out and they get destroyed.

For a few brief minutes a person might give in to the gloroius fumes and think they really are that special. Then they have to snap out of it because they are not.

Why would anybody want to be a politician when they can buy them? My goal is to get as wealthy as possible as quickly as possible. Politicians are puppets. Captains of industry are the real power.

I love being a private citizen. I do as I d@mn well please, and say whatever the heck I want. I do not have to be polite. I do not have constraints.

I have several friends running for Congress. One of them…everywhere we go, he is in a suit and tie. His suit is perfect, his shirt is pressed, and his tie is immaculate. I am wearing jeans, sneakers, and a Hawaiian shirt. I just don’t give a d@mn . My shirt is occasionally wrinkled, and I tuck it in when I feel like it.

Running for office is a pay cut and a loss of prestige.

More importantly, I have too many potential bimbo eruptions.

Most importantly, if I am lucky I plan to have many more.

I just got back from Spring Break in Miami. If I was running for office I could not even think about drinking a beverage out of a girl’s yummy bouncies.

“Yeah, but Eric, don’t you care about the greater good?”

You must be confusing me with anybody else. I like making money and hot brunettes. If that coincides with the greater good, fine.

When I am married, I will be an honorable and monogamous husband and father. I am single, and make no apologies for enjoying single brunettes and their yummy bouncies and all the rest.

I could just picture myself having a combative press conference with a hostile media.

“Eric, is it true you once gave a female congresswoman a spanking?”

“Yes. She was a very naughty girl. I turned her cherry red bottom redder than red state America.”

“Was it Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin?”

“No, I wish. They are happily married, and you in the media are scumbags for bringing this issue up.”

“Are you too partisan?”

“Not at all. 20 years ago I would have spanked Barbara Boxer in a heartbeat. I am bipartisan.”

“Do you have any standards?”

“Yes, I would never date any of you in the media. I wouldn’t f*ck any of you with a stolen d*ck. You most likely all have communicable diseases given the number of people you screw on a weekly basis. The 2008 bailout package should have listed you as toxic assets.”

“What do you think of Drew Rosenhaus and Terrell Owens?”

“Next question.”

“Given that every other person on Earth is covering the health care debate, why aren’t you?”

“You just answered your own question, you dumb@ss. Every one else is covering it.”

“What if one of us in the media was a young Republican?”

“I’m in room 1217.”

“Don’t you think it’s hypocritical to be a Republican preaching family values while trying to screw everything you can get your hands on?”

“I never preached family values. What people do behind closed doors is not my business. You wish you were me. You are just like me, only more hideously ugly.”

“Don’t you think your life is morally wrong?”

“You are a member of the media. I could never sink that low.”

“Are you refusing to run because you have scandals?”

“It is a scandal if I keep it secret. I am laying it out there slower than I try to lay them on my tiger rug. Only an imbecile would listen to me disclose everything and then call it a scandal. Oh wait, again, you are members of the media.”

“Have you ever interacted with prostitutes?”

“Yes, I am talking to all of you in the media right now.”

“Do you think insulting us is going to help you develop a political career?”

“I am not running for office. I can say whatever I want. That reminds me. I wish I could slap every one of you across the face, and not in the loving way I slapped my ex-woman’s top quality grade A choice rump.”

(She is my ex, but ex-woman does not imply a sex change. She is 100% female.)

“Have you ever had homosexual sex?”

“No, but one woman a few years back had a really deep voice. I always check the Adams Apple first. As for the deep voiced girl, I am 80% convinced she was female.”

“Do you support waterboarding?”

“No, but I support motorboarding. I also support turning firehoses on media members. You have 30 seconds to clear the room before I turn this thing on. Look at me, my hose is gigantic.”

As I said, I am not running for political office.

None of these potential bimbo eruptions are deterring me. In the near future I will disclose the real reason I do not run for office. For now, as I conclude my non-announcement of my non-candidacy, I have only one thing to say to America as I do not run.

You’re welcome.

eric

Lat week was lunch with the Arizona Federation of Republican Women. This is a big deal because it is a state event. Today I am speaking at a luncheon at the CRA Convention with Congressmen Ed Royce and Dana Rohrabacher.

Life on the road is great. I love every minute of the tour. Yet everything comes at a price, and last weekend was that price.

I drove from Tucson. I had Friday evening available and wanted to do Jewish things. There was stuff in Phoenix, but I was headed to Yuma. The people of Yuma are real nice, but it is not a Jewish area.

I have only lived in New York and Los Angeles, so going to an area without Jewish people is a surprise. There is only one Synagogue, and they only meet once a month. The same seems to be true in Lake Havasu and in Kingman.

If I were in Los Angeles, Saturday night would have me at Purimpalooza, surrounded by a bunch of friends and hundreds of potential Jewish ladies. This does not seem to be happening in Arizona.

I cannot be everywhere at the same time. Yet to quote Bruce Springsteen, somewhere along the line I slipped off track.

I am too hard driving. Too much of my life has been about pursuing money and power. This is because growing up I never had any.

Yet now at age 38, the career is clicking, and the women entering my life are getting much hotter. The problem is I have no time for them.

I could make the time, but for some reason I am not doing that.

When I was in my twenties, I spent so much time pursuing women that my career did not accelerate fast enough.

Now my career is clicking on all cylinders, and I have no time for romance. I have to make the time. I was never good at balance.

Yet I have always been honest with myself. Somewhere along the line I realized that if I had the choice to pursue power or women, power mattered more. If I can book a speaking engagement or a date, I would prefer the speaking engagement.

Saturday night was Purim. There were parties all over Los Angeles. Arizona is a lovely state, but with fewer Jews. A Friday night potluck Sabbath dinner would be nice. So would a Saturday night Purim party. Neither seemed to be happening.

I may meet a woman for drinks after the dinner, but that is not enough time to get to know somebody.

I have the best friends a guy could ask for, and I try to see them when I am in town.

I just want to make sure I do not slip into isolation. We all make choices, and if I am offered a choice tomorrow between a gig or a date I will again choose a gig.

I am set in my ways, and any consequences that come my way are my own.

Normally I am fine with this, but Purim is one of the biggest party nights of the year. Phoenix was too far from Kingman. Maybe something was happening in Las Vegas, but that was a crapshoot, a roll of the Las Vegas dice.

What it comes down to is that to quote the late Freddy Mercury of Queen, “I want it all.”

Well we cannot have everything. To quote Comedian Steven Wright, “Where would we put it?”

Yes there could be some young nubile Republican women at the dinner I am speaking at. I sure hope so.

What is done is done. I am wired the way I am, and for now romance has to be sacrificed.

I have work to do, and not a lot of time to get it done.

On to the next adventure.

eric

I have decided to endorse violence against women.

Men, it is open season. Brutalize away.

Despite my column “Light a candle, smack a woman” that rings in every Hanukkah, I used to actually be opposed to violence against women.

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/12/light-a-candle-smack-a-woman/

Yet an event recently had me switch sides. Naturally, it was the National Organization for Women that made me see the light.

The NOW should be renamed the 4-H club. Maybe we can call it Hillary’s Horrid Hags and Harpies.

For those who have better things to do (meaning you are not a feminist), a quick recap is necessary.

A football player named Tim Tebow appeared with his mother in a Super Bowl ad. Mrs. Tebow was over 40 when she was pregnant with Tim. She was advised to have an abortion due to complications, and she refused due to her pro-life beliefs. She was not crusading against other women. She had a choice, and she chose life.

The purpose of the commercial was to advertise the pro-life cause.

Naturally pro-choice groups went into a tizzy, expecting an “offensive” commercial. The commercial was so mild that no reasonable person (again, excludes feminists) could have possibly been offended.

Yet the NOW exists for the purpose of being offended, and setting women’s rights back. In the same way racial grievance mongers act like it is still 1863, the NOW offers gender grievances as if the 19th Amendment had never happened.

Because the ad was pro-life, the NOW needed something, anything, to attack the ad. Unable to attack it on substance (big surprise, the left avoiding substance), the president of the NOW offered a ludicrous criticism.

Tim Tebow playfully “tackles” his mother in the ad.

For those living in real life and not fantasy land (once again, feminists exempted), no actual mothers were hurt during the ad. In a separate unrelated ad, 88 year old actress Betty White was belted and slammed to the ground in a pickup game. Apparently it was make believe, and Mrs. White is walking just fine.

The NOW president threw her tiara to the ground, and in hysterical hissy (oh wow, make it the 6H Club) fit fashion, decided that the Tebow add promotes violence against women.

http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/blogs/beltway-confidential/National-Organization-for-Women-upset-83814942.html

Therefore, I have decided to propose new ways to commit violence against women.

As tempting as it is to advocate duct taping NOW members mouth’s shut, that would be illegal unless they voluntarily wanted it. Even so, they are most likely too ugly to play bondage with anyway.

My first act of violence against women will involve invading random flower gardens and pulling all the petals off of the flowers.

Women are obviously delicate little flowers, too soft and fragile to withstand the slightest slights. I will pull every petal off of every flower and violently throw them to the ground. Instead of yelling, “she loves me, she loves me not,” I will chant, “I hate you, I hate you more.”

Plus, I hate foliage. Most feminists are environmentalists, another reason to attack flowers.

Next, I will be sabotaging the Lifetime network. I will be jamming the feed and replacing it with the NFL network. The only commercial on tv will be the Tebow commercial.

Next, I will send religious monks into NOW headquarters. The NOW is secular, so religious people showing up would freak them out. The monks will be equipped with a chalkboard, using illustrations to teach them how to take a vow of silence.

If I have to, I will order the monks to throw the flower petals at these women. The women might get injured upon being hit by the petals. Then again, some of them may swoon because they will see it as an act of love, the only time flowers have ever been near them.

At this point some feminists will claim that it is unfair to criticize all of them for the lunatics at the NOW.

Either people stand up and condemn the cancerous elements in their own movement, or they are complicit.  Silence is acquiescence.

The solution is to reach a compromise on the abortion issue. Conservative pro-lifers should keep breeding. However, if a radical feminist gets pregnant (most likely through en vitro fertilization), and a crystal ball shows that the child will grow up to join the NOW, an abortion must take place.

Women who complain that I am trivializing a group that fights real violence against women can shut up and sit down. Until they care about honor killings in Muslim nations, they are hypocritical has-beens (oh wow, the 8-H Club).

Until then, I need to go to the hardware store. It is not easy to take broken flower petals and duct tape them together, but it will be worth it.

eric

February 7th, 2010 was the Super Bowl.

February 14th is a day for love.

Yet if the Pro Bowl was on January 31st, what else is there to love today?

Oh, that’s right. NASCAR!

Out with the gladiators and in with the carburetors.

Time for the Daytona 500.

Look, I may be balling the current sexual administration tonight. If I do I will be pleasant and if I don’t I will be grumpy. That is all this holiday is about anyway.

It is not a celebration. It is an obligation.

Here are my thoughts from Cupid’s previous birthday.

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/02/happy-force-men-to-spend-money-so-your-gender-will-leave-us-alone-day/

Now to enjoy ESPN Daytona 500 highlights and Danica Patrick commercials on Go Daddy.

eric