THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I will be at the Laugh Factory tonight doing a short set. It should be on You Tube soon enough.

The world will know the good news I am sharing with you today.

As of today, I am now the top level of the black leadership in America.

I appointed myself. As of this moment, Jesse Jackson is no longer representing black America. I am.

For those of you who would like to point out that I belong to a sect of Caucasians known as “pasty white,” step off.

It is wrong to judge a man’s race by the color of his skin.

Some would argue that I have done nothing to help black America. Yet Jesse Jackson has done much mroe harm than good, and a rating of zero is better than a negative rating.

Jesse Jackson threatened to castrate another black man. I never did.

Jesse Jackson has two families with two different women, shaming men everywhere. Not me.

Jesse Jackson used the N-word. I would never use it. It is a disgusting word, and Jesse Jackson is a disgusting man.

Jesse Jackson wants race relations to worsen, since that feeds his power.

I want race relations to get better, because that helps strengthen society.

Jesse Jackson has had decades to do something positive for black America, and  he has failed. I am prepared to take over.

First of all, let’s have an honest discussion about race. Not one of those touchy feely namby pamby conversations between imbeciles, as done on “The View.” I mean saying things that people would never say out loud.

The honest cold truth is that the differences between black and white are nothing compared to the differences between men and women. As long as you are a man, there is a chance, regardless of race, that you will make sense, allowing me to understand you.

There is no race war in America right now. We have tensions, but not an all out race war. We do have the war between the sexes.

When Michelle Obama complains, we don’t see her as an angry black. We see her as an angry woman, no different from Hillary. We want her to pipe down so we can watch the ball game. We will take out the trash during the commercial.

I don’t hate Michelle Obama. I think there is a place in society for strong successful women like Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey. In fact, I would love to see them all in an animated musical version of Rapper Sir Mix Alot singing “Baby Got Back.”

Pious people need to drop the righteousness right now. I am not the only young Jewish guy that has unhealthy fantasies about Monique from Showtime at the Apollo.

As a black leader, maybe now I can actually get somewhere. Chicks dig leaders.

I hold an honest job and am a good provider. Since I am now a black leader, I will be offended if anybody tells me I am acting white.

So what can I bring to the table for black America to take pride in?

I am alcohol, drug, and disease free. I have never referred to Condoleeza Rice as “Condoskeeza.” That would be Pastor Jeremiah Wright, who I am also removing as a black leader.

I will also be assigning characteristics to people based on their actual make up.

As of this moment, Clarence Thomas is black. Bill Clinton is white.

Hillary Clinton is officially, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, female.

John Edwards, despite equally strong contradictory evidence, is male, albeit barely.

Barack Obama shall be judged solely on his merits. He is part black, part white, and completely full of cr@p.

As a black man, it warms my heart to see a black man reach the pinnacle of success by pandering and phoniness with as much zeal as any white man would. I am sure Barack feels the same way about me, and he might be right.

My comprehensive plan to end racism is simple. David Duke shall be trapped in a room with Tara Banks. His grand wizard wand would touch the stars quickly.

I will also address the problem of black out of wedlock births. Jesse Jackson will be neutered immediately, reducing the problem by 2%. Unlike how he wanted to treat Barack Obama, Jesse will be treated humanely.

From now on, the term “black hole” will be acceptable, especially when describing either Whoopi Goldberg’s career or her nether region, which I believe is how she refers to it.

I gave black America as much time as possible to choose leaders that did not destroy black America, but I can wait no longer.

Also, Robin Quivers will be given a raise, since Howard Stern needs her to keep him from slipping into a moral abyss.

I wish I had that filter before saying things I think.

I will help develop talent in the black community that has been ignored for too long. It is about time somebody took a chance on Bill Cosby.

Now that I am a black leader, I can not only criticize use of the N-word, but unlike Jesse Jackson, I would actually mean it. I can see society getting less coarse.

Run DMC’s “Proud to be black,” will be played at the White House. It will not be renamed the Black House, but in a unique compromise, black pieces will now be required to move first on a chessboard.

Also, vanilla extract, despite being brown, will no longer be described as pure. Angel’s food cake and Devil’s food cake will both be served together in unity.

However, replacing paprika with salt will not allow Deviled eggs to be refered to as Angeled eggs.

Also, the Depaul Blue Demons, Duke Blue Devils, and California Angels will all be integrated so that nobody can claim racial goodnewss.

The teams will not be integrated by gender, since then nobody would watch.

Despite few people watching now, the WNBA will continue to employ women only. Removing men from the roles of women destroyed Shakespeare, and nobody watches him anymore.

All the people will be cared about now that I am in charge. If you are a black bisexual addicted to country music, there is finally a place for you.

I hope I am up to the challenge.

Actually, this job seems like a ton of responsibility. I might not be up to it. I have changed my mind. I am abdicating my role as head of the black leadership.

All I ask when I am step down today is that my replacement not be even less qualified to talk about what ails black America than me.

I may not be the right choice, but I am no Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton. Beneath the nonsense, unlike those two charlatans, I actually care.

I wonder if women need a leader. Maybe Norwegians need one. Perhaps they already have one, but they don’t have me.

Actually, I could be the leader for Norwegian women…at least the ones on the bikini team.

eric

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.