THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

The mile a minute action that is the Tygrrrr Express is about to go into hyper drive. Yesterday I met Nevada Senator Harry Reid and actor Rob Reiner, a liberal activist. At least a couple days are necessary to give these experiences their proper due from a blogging standpoint.

On Friday, the Tygrrrr Express is headed to Santa Barbara, which is about two hours north of my home in Los Angeles. David Horowitz is holding his annual anti-Islamofacism retreat. The list of heavy hitters attending includes former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, radio host Tammy Bruce, election expert Michael Barone, the Wall STreet Journal’s John Fund, television pundit Angela McGlowan, Congressman David Dreier, Dr. Daniel Pipes, Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan, Jerusalem Post writer Caroline Glick, entertainment producer David Zucker, Douglas Feith, Ward Connerly, Congressman Ed Royce, and Dennis Prager. Also attending are television star Alan Thicke and Congressman Tom Tancredo.

That will probably be a minimum of a week’s worth of knowledge. In addition, the analysis of the Jewish 2008 debate between Larry Greenfield and Andrew Lachman needs to be covered.

As if all of that was not vital enough, a My Space dating story must be told this weekend. Trust me, it is a classic. So before sensory overload kicks in again, now for what my blog does best, that being covering the least important stories that don’t matter, but people talk about.

For those who have better things to do than spend time concerned with the irrelevant creatures that rummage across America like the Dinosaurs destroying everything in their path, I have an update on these democrats. I observe train wrecks so that you do not have to. Like 400 pound women wearing spandex, if I did not report about it, somebody else would anyway. I think I just accidentally justified the existence of MSNBC.

Either way, the dilemma on how to apportion their delegates his heating up, and both the Clinton and Obama camps are getting ready to engage in protests. For those wondering why, it is because protesting is what liberals do. It is like Governing, except it is not.

After considerable emotional wrangling in the form of a burnt out internal light bulb over a 30 second period, I have come up with a fair solution regarding the mess that the democrats have created in Michigan and Florida. We should give them to our neighbors.

Florida originally belonged to Spain, but assuming they do not want it back, we can give it to Mexico. As for Michigan, it would make a nice Christmas present for Canada.

Those who would like to sell these areas on Ebay have never been to Michigan in the winter or Florida in the Summer. People are not willing to pay for land that is only inhabitable half of the year.

There are several benefits to this plan.

With regards to Michigan, Governor Jennifer Granholm is a Canadian. She was born there, meaning that her blood is tainted forever. She cannot run for President, but any nation that would elect a guy named Cretin (Chretien, whatever) as Prime Minister could do worse than her. I would comment on whether or not she is a hot piece of Governess tail, but I do not know what she looks like. I suspect she looks like your average nondescript Midwestern Governor, although more feminine than John Engler.

The Detroit Red Wings are superstars, but most hockey teams are all Canadians anyway. As for the Detroit Lions, with all due respect to my friend the P*ssed Off Tree Rat, they would not be missed.

As for giving Florida to Mexico, this is because they either won or lost a coin toss with Cuba.

These are the people who supported Pat Buchanan in 2000, nearly triggering a constitutional crisis. At this rate, by 2016, the voters will be so old and blind that they will be stumbling across the border in their bathrobes trying to vote for that nice Castro boy. Then again, the Jews down there are so liberal that those votes might be intentional. As for the Cubans, they do not hate their homeland, only their government. In this sense, they are similar to American liberals.

Perhaps trades can be arranged. We could exchange Florida for Puerto Rico. However, since Puerto Rico traditionally votes with the democrats, we would need to exchange Michigan for an area that is more likely to vote republican. Perhaps Idaho can be split into North and South in the great tradition of the Dakotas.

Between 2000 and 2008, Florida is well on its way to becoming a banana republic anyway. The only downside to giving it to Mexico would be the complaints from Mexico that they would have to teach Florida about democracy from square one. Mexico is opening up, and does not wish to go back to the days when the IRP (PRI) controlled everything. For those who are unfamiliar, it was a one party rule nation, where dissenting voices mysteriously died. In that sense it is similar to Massachusetts, with Luis Donaldo Colosio playing the role of RFK, only with a much smoother and more pleasant accent.

(Memo to Hillary Clinton…it is ok to bring up the RFK assassination in some circumstances, but not the way you did. I am not trying to be the leader of Mexico.)

Perhaps we could make Florida and Michigan the showcases that are competed for during the Showcase Showdown on “The Price Is Right.” I know, it is not the same thing without Bob Barker, but Drew Carey is likable enough to pull it off. The only question would be whether the winner chooses a state or the loser is forced to just accept one. Perhaps in the spirit of the great Monty Hall, the contestans could refuse both states and opt for what is behind door number two.

I just wish Charles Nelson Reilly were alive today. He could apply the rules of the “Match Game” to this situation. He had a bias in favor of Michigan because he was a “Meshuganah,” which is Hebrew for “crazy person.”

The main issue that could hinder negotiations is whether or not the states have to be separated only legally, or physically as well. Barry Goldwater once properly observed that America would be better off if New England was cut off from America and floated out to sea. Given that Florida Governor Charlie Crist has brought back the chain gang, perhaps he could have the prisoners saw Florida away. Then again, giving prisoners access to saws might be a bad idea. As for Michigan, we could just build a fence. Alaska is separated by Canada, and for some reason we own it. It does not bother us, so I guess we should keep it. As for Michigan, it was good for awhile, but is no longer needed.

If we can only give away one of them, then the NBA should be the determinant. The Miami Heat and the Detroit Pistons played very physical and competitive series’ against each other in recent years. Regardless of who won, both cities had fans overturn cars and light stuff on fire. Therefore, in a best four out of seven series, the top five felons in each of those cities should see who can burn cars the fastest. Since Detroit is the hub of America’s auto industry, they should host the first couple games, allowing their cars to be burnt first. Since Florida has a unique insurance setup, they can sponsor the event by insuring the cars so only taxpayers get socked with the bill for the destruction. The city that has its cars burn first gets to leave America.

Again, these ideas are all in their embryonic stages. Jack Kevorkian was from Michigan. Terry Schaivo was from Florida.

I am so not going there. I am not sure where I was going, but I am not going there.

The bottom line is that the democrats would not need to be fighting over these states if they no longer existed as part of America.

For the sake of peace and harmony, the solution is simple. We shall donate Florida and Michigan to our NAFTA brethren Mexico and Canada, respectively.

Visitation rights shall be negotiated in front of Judge Judy, and custody of all pets shall be decided by Eugene Levy, since he was the star of the movie “Best in Show.” Granted Harland Pepper’s dog, the bloodhound, was the real good old American dog, but M. Levy came close.

With the money we save on Congressional salaries from those two states, we can build a road through Alabama. They have always wanted to have a road, and now they can have one (sorry, I fell into a trance and became a smug liberal for a second).

My parents currently live in Florida, and they might wish to be relocated to the Carolinas or some other bastion of America. I will have their backgrounds reviewed first for the sake of national security. Since they are republicans, they can apply for asylum.

If our trading partners cannot accept our generous gift for fear of being beholden, we can simply ask them to provide fair market value in return. Mexico shall be required to give us oil, which we shall happily reciprocate with oranges. As for Canada, they shall either provide us with Canadian bacon, or a DVD copy of the movie “Canadian Bacon” starring the late John Candy.

I would like to wish Florida and Michigan well. It was good while it lasted. So that they match up well with their new partners, the 21 gun salutes shall be accompanied with the popular wedding tune “Greensleeves” majestically playing in the background.

Fare thee well incompetent democratic maidens. Fare thee well.

eric

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 29th, 2008 at 9:04 am and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.