THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Before analyzing the demagoguic race for President, I would like to issue an apology to my fellow Americans.

Regarding my one experience in Detroit, I misspoke when I mentioned that I had to duck and cover when entering the war zone. As for the fact that I faced enemy fire en route to Wisconsin, and that the experience was “seared into my memory,” like John Kerry’s trip to Cambodia, I got some of the facts wrong.

As for the fact that I was in danger the entire time, I can only say that I am human, and once I hire press people, they will spend the bulk of their time apologizing for me and explaining my many mistakes.

The truth is that I was scared for my life in Detroit, but at no time did I leave the airport. Detroit is one of the hubs for Northworst Airlines, and the airport is monstrously large. My running at top speed was not to avoid enemy fire, but to avoid missing my flight because Northwest was too cavalier when scheduling the connecting flights. The hub and spoke system is an affront to civilized people everywhere.

I did not exactly get burned alive by an Arab terrorist on my trip. I burnt my tongue eating a hot dog at one of the airport food stations. While I maintain that the person selling me the food had a Middle Eastern complexion, he seemed less interested in the Arab-Israeli conflict or Jihad than in helping me find the mustard (it was near the straws). It was not poison mustard gas, just good old fashioned dijon mustard. As for the cold weather, near death, sub zero freezing conditions inside the airport, I can only say that the air that they circulate on airplanes is bad, and Northworst needs to provide pillows and blankets.

As for mentioning that the Detroit Lions are terrible, I have never seen them play live, but I do have 50 years of statistics to back up that claim. I am sticking to my guns on that one.

So before I regale everybody one day with my tales of visiting Bosnia, just remember that nobody is perfect. If I ever say anything that turns out to be a mistake, just blame Hillary Clinton. I learned from her.

http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/dan_kennedy/2008/03/clinton_under_fire.html

Now that my soul is cleansed, I want to address the notion that the democrats want the “Dream Team” to be elected.

While the democrats would consider their dream team to be Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, perhaps the democrats need a better dream team if they are going to take on John McCain.

So who is the real Dream Team? Who can inspire the American people?

Well one Dream Team that got the job done was the 1992 Men’s Olympic basketball team. They did win the gold medal. In the spirit of balancing ebony and ivory in ways that would make Obama and Hillary proud, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson put their differences aside for America. Larry was a Boston Celtic. Magic was a Los Angeles Laker. They had this nation torn apart among East and West Coast lines, but when they finally came together, the United States team was truly United.

For those who believe in healing America, forget Obama. Nobody heals like a doctor, and this Dream Team had Dr. Julius Erving, also known as Dr. J. The man not only inspired me and other young children with his anti-drug rap song, “one dumb move (can blow your groove),” but he also had an amazing reverse tomahawk jam dunk.

One problem with this Dream Team for the democrats is that the Most Valuable Player of the team was Charles Barkley. Yes, Sir Charles is black, but minority voters in the democratic party would be disappointed when they find out he is a staunch republican.

The team did have Michael Jordan, but he has made it clear that the only democrat he will endorse is Bill Bradley. Basketball bonds among champions are tough to break.

The Portland Trailblazers actually had a slogan for their team one year that read, “One team, one dream.” That team was an underachieving nightmare, so they will not be considered.

Since most athletes are republicans, perhaps a different dream team is in order. Who could appeal to the many black voters that have flocked to Obama? The answer would be the legal Dream Team that defended O.J. Simpson.

Johnny Cochran, Robert Shapiro, and F. Lee Bailey have to be given some consideration.

Johnny Cochran is dead, and we romanticize dead people as infallible. It is called JFK syndrome. Also, Johnny Cochran had better rhymes and slogans than Jesse Jackson. Had he been the defense attorney for Bill Clinton, he would have insisted that the dress did not fit, so we must acquit.

F. Lee Bailey might be problematic because democrats do not like people with first initials. They have been harsh in the past regarding G. Gordon Liddy, I. Lewis Libby, and J. Danforth Quayle. Rumor has it they are also violently against E Pluribus Unum.

Also, if the split between Hillary and Obama voters is wide now, the gap would only increase with the promotion of anyone defending O.J. Simpson. Apparently there is very little overlap between those who are against domestic violence, and those who play football, which is a form of domestic violence (except for the few preseason games played overseas).

Robert Shapiro is the Hillary character. He was the lead attorney, and then out of nowhere a charismatic man with a higher melanin content and better vocabulary stole his thunder.

Yet while women voters might be upset, O.J. is that rare man that can unite black and white men. After all, he did play football, and was quite good.

Sadly enough, as previously stated, democrats are just not known for sports. This means that there is only one group of individuals that would be worthy of their votes.

I have said that many liberals are nuts. Therefore, the Dream Team should be the escaped mental patients from the movie containing Michael Keaton and Christopher Lloyd. The scene where the four mental patients jump in the air to high five each other…and miss…is a classic.

Democrats desperately need the religious vote, and Christopher Lloyd did play Reverend Jim on Taxi. Also, his character did plenty of drugs, which will unite the hippie vote. Mr. Lloyd also starred in the movie trilogy “Back to the Future,” which according to Al Gore, was inspired by Bill Clinton’s bridge to the 21st century, even though the movie came out over a decade earlier. Hillary’s comments on the matter were redacted.

Also, Michael J. Fox was in those movies, and he has Parkinson’s disease. Voting for Christopher Lloyd is a vote for stem cell research. The only scandal is that Michael J. Fox used to go by the alias of Alex P. Keaton, who was also a staunch republican and supporter of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan.

Michael Keaton would do well with the youth vote. While his temper in the movie was more volatile than Howard Dean, he inspired the youth everywhere when he breathed in the night air and announced, “It’s great to be young and insane.”

Also, with health care being such an important issue, this movie had an actual doctor. It was not Dr. J, but some actor I cannot recall who played the capable and competent Dr. Weitzman. Although one of the patients had a messianic complex that involved him stripping naked in churches, the democratic party would most likely be less scared of his sermons than those of the current pastors in the news.

Therefore, the Dream Team for the democrats should be Michael Keaton and Christopher Lloyd. Keaton will the hotheaded President, with Lloyd as the quiet Vice President.

As for those who wonder how I am able to come up with such brilliant political analysis, all I can say is this…

I am glad to be old enough to vote for McCain…

Yet it’s great to be young and insane.

eric

 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 9:15 am and is filed under POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.