Comedy Saturday
As I prepare to enter the first week of approximately 30 weeks of misery, I have solicited opinions from the entire world to provide me with ideas. I made the mistake of not being specific in that I wanted actual good ideas. So to those who offered terrible suggestions, and you should know who you are, do not expect me to rescue you when you trip and fall into a volcano.
Ok, so football season just ended and I am already getting punchy.
At times like this I refer back to Craig T. Nelson on “Coach.” When his girlfriend pointed out that she went to all his football games but he never went with her to the art gallery, he earnestly replied, “Yeah, but people like football.” Men everywhere should memorize that scene, and force women to watch it.
More than one person suggested that I discuss the baseball steroid hearings on Capitol Hill. The problem with that suggestion is that the only thing more boring than Congress on C-Span is baseball. Combine the two, and insomnia is cured. For the safety of all Americans, it should be illegal to drive a car after watching it. Speaking of illegal, one way we could eliminate all illegal immigrants is by making them drive 18 wheelers in traffic after watching the baseball hearings. I am not sure if the Geneva Convention considers that torture.
Somebody pointed out to me that the republicans seemed to be defending Roger Clemens, while the democrats were attacking him. I did not see the hearings, but this makes sense.
For one thing, Roger Clemens was alleged to have been injected with steroids in his anus. I wonder if Senator Larry Craig was taking notes. Clemens had a wide stance when pitching, and Senator Craig has a wide stance when allegedly trolling for young, hot, male mall @ss.
The other reason this would make sense is that athletes tend to be republicans. Jim Bunning, Jack Kemp, J.C. Watts and others are all right of center. Liberals are usually the angry bitter guys that got beat up by the athletes in Junior High School. They seek vengeance for having been stuffed into their lockers by growing up and raising taxes on their former tormentors.
Anyway, now that football is done, there is always NASCAR. That would be helpful except that I don’t watch NASCAR. I haven’t been able to watch a race since Dale Earnhardt died. I do root for his son, but not enough to watch. I know that I am not a fan of pretty boy Jeff Gordon.
As comedian and blue collar hero Jeff Foxworthy points out, “Jeff Gordon is not a real racer. Jeff Gordon is not a real racer, because Jeff Gordon can enunciate.” Now Dale Earnhardt was as incomprehensible as “Boomhauer” on “King of the Hill.” That was an auto racer.
So with no real sports on television, I would rather people read other blogs rather than wasting their time on mine. There are some funny people out there.
“America Needs Me” is the blog of conservative comedian Stephen Kruiser. I do not recall who introduced me to him, but the guy is warped and funny.
http://stephenkruiser.blogspot.com/
http://www.stephenkruiser.com/
While my blog is not about equal time, a liberal comedian worth checking out is Jackie Clarke. For those wondering why I would bother promoting a leftist, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I want to claw through her underwear with my teeth until she screams either my name or that of Ronald Reagan.
I am just trying to help out a friend, nothing more. As for rumors that I want to give her the ketchup bottle treatment, these rumors have to stop. They are totally inappropriate, and beneath the dignity of a hot piece of liberal tail like her. She has also a deep knowledge of football, but despite my begging her to send me a picture of her wearing only a football helmet, she remains chaste, at least with me.
http://www.jackieclarke.blogspot.com/
Not every comedian has a bottom that I want to play volleyball with. Despite my unhealthy affection for bald guys, I desire them much less than they desire me. Nevertheless, one cueball friend of mine deserves all the fame that comes his way, whether it be plenty or none. For those who are Jews or fans of Burger King and McDonalds, or all of the above, be warned in advance. As for Arabs that prefer falafel, to the best of my limited knowledge he has not offended you yet.
http://www.pointless-drivel.com/
One fellow sent me a nice note with his suggestion.
“Eric:
Thanks for your message. My sympathies. I too find the end of
football season to be the end of my active interest in sports.
Given your extensive acquaintance with the media and entertainment,
how about a commentary on cultural garbage of the week?
Tom”
The problem with this is that me pointing out cultural garbage would be hypocritical, given that my blog gets worse by the day. It hurts that every day other people are linking to my blog as an example of where society went wrong, so I will not sink to their level.
Thanks for nothing Tom!
I will say that while I like political brawling, rarely is it very funny. Yet Bill O’Reilly had on a guest that got off the line of the night, forcing me to rethink an issue. Given how closeminded I am, this is impressive.
Dr. Marc Lamont Hill is a young black professor of urban studies at Temple University. He is a liberal, but for once he made a good point. O’Reilly was suggesting in the wake of the most recent school shooting that professors should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Now I am staunchly pro Second Amendment, but Dr. Hill asked a valid question. “Would you want Ward Churchill carrying a gun?”
In an ideal world, the professors would not be more psychotic than the student killers, but life is not ideal. I will have to ponder that one.
Another individual recommended to me that does not share my ideology is a fellow that is “Rudely Stamped.”
http://www.rudelystamped.blogspot.com/
Scroll down to his post on illegal immigration and the national debt. This fellow is a crackpot, meaning he might be right on target.
Another fellow that is highly entertaining is the Pissed Off Tree Rat. He likes the Detroit Lions, so I understand his pain.
http://pissedofftreerat.wordpress.com/
Lastly, for those that get beyond bored, I never get tired of the following clip of a prank phone call. Clips from Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men,” are spliced, and the woman receiving the call has no idea what hit her. It is only 75 seconds long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jHytjg-5KA
Ok all, I am off to try and find reasons to live given that there is no football on Sunday. I shall ponder my pain while taking a nap. Your sympathy is underwhelming.
eric
February 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
O.K. Buddy !
If you have something on your mind just say it !
I’m the only guy here that lives near a volcano and I didnt think my idea was that bad.
February 16th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
“The other reason this would make sense is that athletes tend to be republicans. Jim Bunning, Jack Kemp, J.C. Watts and others are all right of center. Liberals are usually the angry bitter guys that got beat up by the athletes in Junior High School.”
Now that was uncalled for, Tygrrrr.
Myself and my brothers, all pretty liberal, were and are very fit and athletic strong, big guys. We played sports, can fight with the best of ‘em, and excelled at all competitive exercises. I dare any conservative to stand up to us. Any time.
The only reason so many pro atheletes are republicans is because they were blessed to be born with great bodies - and were lucky enough not to be too seriously injured during their careers - and think they earned them. These are people who are dumb enough to believe that luck plays no part in life. Ask a kid born with a serious physiological defect if he or she agrees with with that. Look them in the face an tell them that.
You know why I’m liberal? Because I lived in a lot of different locales, I’ve known a lot of different people, I’ve been around. I’m a regular American guy. I’m not a spoiled, pampered, lucky. I’m just a regular guy who knows he’s lucky for it. Some people think they hit a third, but I know I was lucky enough to be born there.
I take serious exception to this post. I’m very disappointed.
JMJ
February 16th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I sense you are flirting with me. In which case I need to stress that I am a top.
February 16th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Also Jersey , dont feel so bad.
Eric said he would let me fall in to a volcano.
February 16th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Ya know, I thought about this for a while.
At first I was almost sympathetic to Jerseys feelings about Eric saying republicans are better athletes.
But after some thought I realized that Eric is absolutely right.
Moonbats have this idea that they should avoid all forms of discrimination.
So what they do ? After a game or a contest everyone gets a trophy.
Now if anything will take away your drive to accel above the rest that kind of system sure will. I mean, what’s the point in trying ?
And then there’s the need to worry more about ethics and who will be offend as opposed to just kicking the cream out of the other guy.
In matters of economy and the free market the entrepreneurial spirit is definitely higher on the right. On the left they just want give away’s.
Kind of like handicap points for the team that is supposedly disadvantaged because they have some kind of minority or retribution coming to them because of some bad decision in the past.
And then look at our armed services. The majority of the real fighters are cons or republicans. 75% as a matter of fact.
So it only goes to logic that better athletes would be on the right.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:11 am
“Yea but Jersey, you’re the last guy I would want to be in a fox hole with.”
“And then look at our armed services. The majority of the real fighters are cons or republicans. 75% as a matter of fact.”
Yeah, and I bet their average IQ is real stunning.
JMJ
February 17th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Heh…. this sports talk and political talk when taken together is rather funny.
February 17th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Our soldiers IQ is besides the point. Be careful that you dont go calling 75% our boys stupid again. Thats not cool Jersey.
Its the approach to things that they hold.
As far as being a judge of character goes. You underestimate the character of our enemy.
What am I supposed to think when you say we should handle terrorists as if they were unruly children?
These guys will be shooting grenades at me and you’ll want to give them a time out and send them to their room.
Lighten up.
February 17th, 2008 at 10:33 am
“Our soldiers IQ is besides the point. Be careful that you dont go calling 75% our boys stupid again. Thats not cool Jersey.”
Exactly, Micky, it’s not cool. Just like saying that liberals are wimps, or that people who don’t agree with the war don’t support the troops, or that liberals are un- or anti-American, just like saying that criticizing the president is treason…
Very uncool. I know that’d get a rise out of you.
And actually, I’d lose that bet. On average, American soldiers rank in the 60-65 percentile in IQ rankings among their fellow Americans. The mean is slightly lower than that, because of the officers and non-coms, and the number is slightly skewed because the military doesn’t allow recruits with a lower than 92 IQ. But actually, soldiers are slightly smarter than your average American on average.
That said, they are also a youthful demographic, and therefore are less intellecually mature and educated.
JMJ
February 17th, 2008 at 10:34 am
“What am I supposed to think when you say we should handle terrorists as if they were unruly children?”
JMJ
February 17th, 2008 at 11:38 am
JMJ;
“You should neither be frightened of terrorists nor enraged at them. You should calmly and with calculation figure out a way to keep them from angering and frightening you. Sometimes parents have to deal with unruly children. Good parents do not beat the tar out of their kids. They figure out a more subtle way to get them to behave. Don’t fear terrorism, just find a way to stop it without making more of it.”
Your suggestion or analogythat as parents we should treat them as unruly children is pretty evident.
What kind of comparison is that ?
You could of related the terrorists to gangsters or a rouge militia or something a little more formidable than children.
These guys are bloodthirsty murderers.
And you relate the whole scenario to parents having to deal with unruly children ?
We should handle it the same way ?
Please.
Where did I say liberals are wimps ? Dont start making stuff up again, please.
Agreeing with the war and supporting its efforts are two different things. I
You get no rise out of me. You’re terribly predictable.
I never said critisizing the president is treason, ever!
But I do critsize those who accuse him of things they cant prove.
And since you got blasted to kingdom come for saying our boys were not that educated you have added the age and demographics to your claim now just to CYA.
Anyway.
I still think Eric is right.
I’d rather be in a foxhole with a con than a lib.
Libs seem to excell better in individual sports like Skateboarding, surfing, skiing, rock climbing. You know, moonbat stuff
February 17th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Micky, you really amaze me.
JMJ
February 17th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Yea,
Here it is from Websters Mirriam Medical Dictionary.
{{{SMART}}}
Pronunciation: smärt
Function: intransitive verb
: to cause or be the cause or seat of a sharp poignant pain ; also : to be or to enact such a pain .
February 17th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Close. The word “smart” is a prefix of the word I’m looking for, anyway.
JMJ
February 17th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I have no problem with what I ass ume to be the last half of that word.
We all are to one of those to a certain extent. I’m a smart one.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Thanks for the mention. I’ve got you on the blogroll now. Actually, I’ve been reading your blog for a month or two now and had it on a list to add to my blogroll, I’m just way behind on that. Still waiting for the Larry Craig/Roger Clemens love connection…