THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Several months ago I analyzed whether or not C3PO was homosexual, and what the political orientation of the Fraggles were. For those who wonder what else guys discuss when watching the game, a frequent topic of conversation in my home is which people involved in sports look like walruses.

While nobody will ever reach the mythical of status of the Monopoly Guy or Wilford Brimley, hefty mustachioed men deserve their own exclusive club. Since America loves winners, only champions are allowed in this arbitrary walrus club. Having said that, the list has been compiled after years of debate.

Craig Stadler–The original sports walrus. Golf may be boring, but he has passed his gift onto his son Kevin, who insists he is not the Walrus. He should not be confused with Statler from the Muppets, who was not a walrus, but did hang out with a Waldorf, while criticizing the show from the balcony. They were armchair quarterbacks, which is a sport. I forget which one had the mustache.

Jerry Reuss–This mainstay of the Los Angeles Dodgers deserves to be one of the original sports walruses.

After that, like a bushy mustache, the list gets fuzzy. First, we turn to the National Football League.

Mike Holmgren, Head Coach, Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay Packers–Definitely a walrus. In the NFL, he is the Walrus. Legend has it that in the mid 1990s, he was trying to lecture Brett Favre on the sidelines when Favre started spacing out. It was a snowy day in Green Bay, and icicles had frozen Holmgen’s mustache. After repeatedly asking Favre whether he wanted to run or pass, and then saying he was going to shake Favre if he did not say something, Favre replied, “Coach, you should see your mustache.” In addition, Holmgren has won a Super Bowl. All Hail the Holmgren.

Andy Reid, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles–Walrus Lite. I am hesitant to upgrade him to full walrus status, since the Eagles have yet to win a Super Bowl. He is Walrus Lite, not Walrus Light, because as one friend says, “There is nothing light about Andy Reid.” Upon his winning a championship, he will get the full walrus upgrade.

Brad Childress, Head Coach, Minnesota Vikings–Can we have a bald walrus? A check of the rules says that nothing prohibits this. However, he needs to pack on 100 pounds or so. Also, he needs to make the playoffs, much less win a Super Bowl. Given that being on Mike Holmgren’s staff allows Andy Reid to be Walrus Lite, Brad Childress being a former member of Andy Reid’s staff allows him to have the moniker of “Walrus III.”

Shifting to the National Hockey League, Ken Hitchcock is a walrus. He did not win with the Philadelphia Flyers, but he did win with the Dallas Stars. One point of contention was that he eventually shaved his mustache. Nevertheless, he did have one when he won the Stanley Cup, and he could grow it back. As one of my friends says, “That is a man in need of a low carb diet.” He gets grandfathered in, since many grandfathers are heavy fellows with mustaches.

With regards to Major League Baseball, Rollie Fingers does not get to join Jerry Reuss. If it were a handlebar mustache competition, Rollie would win hair down. The guy had plenty of saves, but never packed on the pounds. This is not the 1960s. This is the Bush administration, and mustaches must be bushy.

The National Basketball Association, thanks to Michael Jordan, should be renamed the National Bald Association. Again, if this were a club for bald guys, the NBA would win lack of hair down. However, these guys are simply too folliclely challenged to receive entry.

Shifting back to the National Football League, a question came up about whether there could be black walruses. A reading of the rules did not show any prohibitions. The problem then became that no black coach had won a championship until Tony Dungy, whose kindness makes him closer to a baby seal than a walrus. However, in the spirit of the “Rooney Rule” that has increased minority hiring, it is fair to say that the lack of black hiring gave black coaches a much slower start on winning Super Bowls. Therefore, the championship exemption can be waived for a qualified black walrus.

While former Oakland Raiders Coach Art Shell and Former Vikings and Cardinals Coach Dennis Green present strong applications, their trips to the playoffs were less than stellar.

Art Shell did get to the AFC Title Game, but lost 51-3. Dennis Green lost virtually every playoff game he was in, and the NFC Title Game against the Giants was a 41-0 defeat. Also, the 1998 Vikings collapse to the Atlanta Falcons was inexcusable.

Also, Art Shell and Dennis Green had talent. Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid took over losers. Therefore, starting from scratch earns more prestige. NBA Coach Phil Jackson is more Zen-Mastery than walrusy, but he is too thin, and started with too much, 9 championships notwithstanding.

Therefore, the first Black Walrus belongs to a man who has done so much with so little. Congratulations Romeo Crennel. It took a double doinker and a multi minute delay, but these Cleveland Browns have reincarnated the old Cardiac Kids. You have several rings as an assistant coach, and while assistant rings do not count (Art Shell and Dennis Green have them), all you had when you started were some nondescript people wearing the Cleveland uniforms, and some very passionate fans in the Dawg Pound. Your blue collar team keeps fighting, and even if it takes Phil Dawson 10 minutes to make a field goal, that game will be replayed 100 years from now.

Life is about legacies, and Super Bowls notwithstanding, you are the coach who presided over the double doinker win. It was not the greatest game ever played, but then again 2007 is not 1958. Congratulations Mr. Crennel. You are a walrus.

If His Royal Hairness could just get a comb and fix whatever that thing on his head is, Boxing Promoter Don King could be the most verbose walrus on the planet. Speaking of fixing, Don King could fix this contest as well, but so far there is no evidence of his trying to rig the walrus standings.

For sports announcers, Paul Maguire is absolutely a walrus. He is a champion for his one liners at the expense of Joe Theismann for so many years.

At some point in the future, political walruses will be discussed. Saddam Hussein will not be included because genocidal lunatics are denied initiation into this friendly furry club.

All acknowledge and beam with pride over walruses in sports everywhere.

Koo Koo Ke Choo.

eric

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 21st, 2007 at 12:48 pm and is filed under SPORTS, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.