THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Hillary Clinton has decided that she has been a New England Patriots fan her entire life.

Ok, so that announcement has not occurred yet, but given that the New Hampshire Primary is going to be during the NFL Playoffs, she should be disclosing this shortly.

It’s a perfect match, Hillary and the Patriots. Let’s look at the similarities.

Both Hillary and the Patriots ruthlessly enforce discipline. Hillary rides roughshod on Bill and the rest of the Clintonistas, and so does Bill Belichick with his team. If you fumble a ball or a question, you get screamed at and thrown in the doghouse until you stop dropping the ball.

Both Hillary and Belichick have utter contempt for the media, and treat any question of them as an act of war. They treat opponents as enemies, with no mercy. Neither of them have a plan to deal with actual world enemies, but Belichick has not been asked to offer his thoughts on foreign policy as of yet.

Both Hillary and the Patriots have a haughty arrogance that is beyond off putting. This comes from being part of organizations that win two presidential elections and three Superbowls, respectively. Nevertheless, the sense of entitlement is nauseating. In fact, if Hillary and Bill (Belichick, not Clinton) had an offspring, it would be an ice cube.

Both Hillary and the Patriots have chips on their shoulders, which is odd considering they have so much. The Patriots feel they should have won the AFC Title Game last year, and Hillary takes every loss personally back to her husband losing the 1980 Governor’s race. Both bounced back, with Bill Clinton winning the Governorship again in 1982, and New England bouncing back from last year with a vengeance.

Both Hillary and Belichick were connected to early failures, with Bill Clinton’s first run for Attorney General and Belichick’s first stint as Cleveland Head Coach being less than stellar.

Both Hillary and the Patriots are seen as inevitable. This means people are waiting for them to stumble, whether it be flubbing a question about illegal immigrants and drivers’ licenses or barely surviving a game at home against a .500 Eagles team.

Both believe in scorched Earth tactics, whether it be Hillary trying to leak dirt on the drug use of her competitors or the Patriots keeping their starters in when up by 40 points. Both have crossed the line into paranoia and scandal, with Hillary hiring private investigators such as Terry Lenzner to dig through the garbage of Bill’s (Clinton, not Belichick) bimbos, or the Patriots being accused of cheating by videotaping the signals of their opponents. In both cases this was unnecessary, since Monica Lewinsky spent less time on her knees surrendering than the New York Jets.

Neither Hillary or the Patriots have ever apologized for their tactics, because they believe winning at all costs is justified. If they did apologize it would be insincere.

Both have been trailed by scandal for years, with Hillary’s scandals taking up too many volumes to discuss, and the Patriots defeating the Raiders in a blizzard known as the Tuck Rule game. I will go to my grave knowing Bill Clinton lied under oath, and Tom Brady fumbled that ball, with Charles Woodson delivering the blow and Greg Biekert recovering. Speaking of blow, Bill’s brother Roger Clinton was pardoned illegally after his coke dealing.

Hillary has her fake smile and cackle to hide her rage. Belichick has his fake hug of Eric Mangini. Both of them learned from cold, distant and powerful men, that being Hugh Rodham and Bill Parcells.

Both want to get through the regular season without injury and get to the playoffs. Instead Hillary has to share a stage with Kucinich, Dodd, and until recently, Gravel, while the Patriots have to host games against the Jets and Dolphins. Kucinich and the Dolphins cannot beat anybody, much less serious frontrunners.

Both have general election opponents that are supposedly seen as sacrificial lambs, an insult to Giuliani, McCain, Romney, Thompson, Favre and the Packers, Romo and the Cowboys, and Benny and the Jets (threw in Elton John to see who was awake).

They both could improve their team on offense and defense with Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright (ok, that was unfair and done to death).

Both have had run ins with foreign leaders that went badly, with Hillary kissing Suha Arafat and surrendering her soul, and Patriots Owner Robert Kraft surrendering one of his Superbowl rings to Vladimir Putin (Putin insists it was a gift, Kraft is too scared to say otherwise).

Both will be spending a significant amount of time in New England in January, with Hillary trying to win the New Hampshire Primary, and the Patriots enjoying home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

Neither Hillary nor Belichick would understand any questions posed to them by Shannon Sharpe, although both of them would pretend to do so. Neither of them should or would be faulted for this.

Both Hillary and the Patriots are wrapped in a cocoon of secrecy, and have learned to operate better on the road.

Both Hillary and the Patriots began padding their record early in the 21st century against patsies (the original nickname for the Patriots for years, long since forgotten), ranging from Rick Lazio to the Buffalo Bills.

They both have had makeovers over the years, with the Patriots shifting from the red home uniforms to the dark blue ones, and Hillary shifting her hairstyles and pantsuits. Hillary forced herself to try and soften her image, while the Patriots hardened theirs.

The Patriots have a scouting department led by Scott Pioli that is constantly looking to find new talent and develop it. Hillary has a scouting team led by Lenzner and others that is constantly looking to suppress new “talent” that Bill (again Clinton, not Belichick) discovers and tries to develop.

Yet before Hillary holds that press conference, there is one major difference. As much as I detest the Patriots, they earned their success through merit. They have an actual record of success and accomplishment. Nevertheless, when one has no real significant life accomplishments, they can just piggyback off of somebody else, and adopt the other person’s successes as their own.

Both Hillary and the Patriots are beatable. It will not be easy, but to knock the smugness out of them is worth any effort.

eric

This entry was posted on Monday, November 26th, 2007 at 11:42 am and is filed under POLITICS, SPORTS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.