THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Black Friday was a black as midnight hell for the Tygrrrr Express, seeing as my internet was down all day.

First of all, to those who find that on rare occasions I am slow to approve comments, don’t take it personally. We are all at the mercy of this dubya dot com gov org type stuff. If you are a liberal, knock off the conspiracy theories. I will not make any effort to prove to you that I am fair. I don’t have to do so. Your opinion will not change my blog. For those who are frequent visitors and commenters on my blog, I do regret the delay.

Just know that getting back online cost me a new modem, since the one I had was apparently FUBAR.

Yes, against my will, my desire to do my column forced me out of the house on a day when I would have rather stayed in and relaxed, which is almost every day. I had to go out on Black Friday. Like Gloria Gaynor, I survived.

I have learned several things about life since I first started going online.

One thing I am sure of is that it is not possible…repeat not possible…to have a serious conversation with a potential romantic partner over instant messenger.

Try it, and see the situation blow up like a liberal after finding out conservatives legally have a right to exist.

Instant messenger may be real time, but it is not real life. You cannot convey feelings, emotions, and facial expressions this way. The potential for misunderstanding is ginormous. I have had women get angry at me for everything from being too slow to answer (the phone rang) to being unable to answer (spilled a beverage, had to clean it up). Women who are pleasant on instant messenger can still be a nightmare in real life, but women who are hostile on instant messenger will not be normal or pleasant outside of the computer.

I received an im from one wack job who declared “I have reached a decision on whether or not I should get to know you. Call me or im me to know what decision I reached.” This was 24 hours after listening to her scream on the telephone about something that was consequential to her and nobody else on this Earth.

I responded by replying, “You were a complete b*tch last night. Take your decision and stick it somewhere tight. Done.”

Now as much as I do hate having to speak in such a salty manner, fighting with people over instant messenger is nonsensical.

Yet as awful as it is to have to deal with a progesterone attack by im, this is not nearly as bad as not having the ability to im at all. I need internet access to get done many things in my life. Some people ask what I do about internet access when I go camping, and my response is that while I have heard of this camping thing, I was unaware of what it actually is, and I have no desire to learn.

A power failure on Thanksgiving destroyed my internet access. After talking to people in India, I again began to get the feeling that maybe Lou Dobbs is not wrong. I pictured Purvez Musharraf of Pakistan releasing a mushroom cloud over all of India, forcing my ISP to hire American tech support people.

I am not proud of feeling this way. I just know that anybody who restricts my ability to use the internet in my own home must be shot on sight.

I hung out with my close friend today, and while we were hanging out I took the time out to hit on the girl at the next table. The woman was gorgeous, intelligent, and incredibly enjoyable to converse with. Even I was surprised at my ability to be a pleasant conversationalist given that the moment she left I went back to thinking about ways to ban all immigrants from working tech support jobs. If they want to pick vegetables, I can live with that. For one thing, I hate vegetables, so I would not be impacted.

For those who think this is immigrant bashing, just know that white Americans born and raised in America who speak perfect English will feel an equal amount of wrath if my internet access gets jacked up and they either caused the problem or are unable to fix it.

My plan was to go to the mall today, and observe soccer moms engaging in road rage with their shopping carts in an attempt to teach their children about peace and love by cursing each other out so they can get the last supply of a toy that they need to bribe their children with because the toy companies demand that this be done.

So yes, I was going to spend the day observing angry humans and their behaviors. I did not expect or desire to be my own case study.

The bottom line is that unlike other lucky individuals, I depend on the internet for much of my needs. Yes, the only reason I got internet access a decade ago was to meet cybersluts, and to try and turn them into phone sluts and real life humping around. However, going on Ebay allows me to avoid the malls (yes, the food courts are awesome, but my neighborhood just opened a Taco Bell today, so the food court has some competition). Jdate allows me to make sure that potential concubines are of the Hebrew faith. I can track my stocks online, and most importantly, analyze the National Football League before, during, and after the games.

At 6:45pm, I was able to check my email, which told me about a dinner party starting at 6:30pm. The world would have survived like Gloria Gaynor if my Friday night was pure suckville, but the world is better off when I am in a good mood. Trust me on this one. Luckily, the Hebrew community has something called “Jewish Standard Time,” which means running late is allowed.

I tried to stop at the 7-11 to get something for the dinner, and my desire to blame the clerk behind the counter for not having what I needed was overruled by the police officer hanging out stereotypically right near the donuts. To make the night complete, my former roommates showed up, and in 60 seconds reminded me why I evicted them. It was ironic I saw them on this very day, since I bought a new webcam to replace the one they destroyed. I would sell these two girls into slavery (yeah, I lived with a couple women, it was not fun, never again outside of romance), but there would not be any takers.

I got to the dinner in the nick of time, and was shocked to find out that they needed somebody to give a 5 minute lecture on any relevant topic. Given 5 minutes to prepare, I spoke about Jewish assimilation into American culture, and whether or not this was good or bad for the Jewish community.

The lecture went over well, and the night was complete with a Karaoke session. Although I did not pick the song, Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive,” was sung by many in the room.

I did not sing or dance, because as the Kevin Kline movie “In n Out” reminds us, “Men don’t dance. They work. They drink. They have bad backs. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t dance (True Lies notwithstanding). Arnold can barely walk.

The song is also used in the Keanu Reeves movie “The Replacements,” which is about football, making it one of the best movies ever made.

So while decent society benefitted from my suffering, I was just glad that Black Friday came to a miserable close without me going postal.

I know that other people worry about things like homelessness, hunger, and other issues that have nothing to do with my DSL connection, I am sure God will smack me around when it is time for him to do so. As long as I am on Earth, I am going to focus on my struggles.

Today was a rough one, and at first when my connection to the internet did not work, I was afraid. In fact, I was petrified. My ISP did me wrong, and I had no idea how I would get along.

Yet now I am back…in cyberspace. I need to find a cyberslut and get that look upon her face. I need to continue writing schlock, I need to continue babbling about me, I need to write about Iraq, and then scream at my ISP.

I still hate Al Queda more than my ISP, but it’s a close vote.

Then again, I did not have to brave the mall today. So between seeing my friend, meeting a hot girl, and having a lunch filled with red meat and loaded potatoes, the day could have been worse. Besides, despite the Indian conspiracy against me, my internet access is back.

Like Gloria Gaynor, I made it through the blackest of Black Fridays. I survived.

eric

This entry was posted on Friday, November 23rd, 2007 at 8:08 pm and is filed under POLITICS, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.