Gobhoblins, ghosties, and things that go bump and screech in the night. Ok, enough about Hillary. Happy Hal Levine.
I decided not to watch the demagoguic party debate on MSNBC for the same reason I skipped the Laker game. October 31st is Halloween, and I did not want to be scared the night before to the point where Halloween itself would be anticlimactic. Before getting into my favorite Halloween stories, it turns out the democrats running for President were all cast members in the Wizard of Oz. They live in fantasyland, so this makes sense. Nevertheless, the cast was surprising.
Hillary Clinton—Shockingly enough she was not the Wicked Witch, because that would be too easy. She is the Tin Man. The Tin Man is not a bad person. He is just devoid of any human emotions and feelings. He is a robot, and cannot understand issues that human beings deal with.
Barack O’Bama—He is the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow is a nice guy who just does not contribute anything intellectually. He is not stupid, just naïve. He has a childlike innocence that leaves him unprepared to understand adult conversations in a serious world. Given that this movie happened before World War II in the same way Barack O’Bama exists pre-9/11, the naivety is understandable.
John Edwards—No, he is not Dorothy. Again, that would be too obvious. He is the Cowardly Lion. He does not want to deal with conflict. He wants to cut and run. He wants to revert to a safe tree house and play childlike games. Again, the Cowardly Lion is not a bad creature, just one that is afraid to confront the challenges that life throws out on a daily basis.
Bill Richardson—Glenda the Good Witch. This role was played by John Edwards in 2004. This character tries to keep everybody happy and peaceful. He deplores sadness within the family. Basically, from a political standpoint, he has his head up the front-runner’s anus in the hopes of being Vice President.
Dennis Kucinich—He is a munchkin. Not only is he short, but he also speaks in a tongue that most people do not understand. Alvin the Chipmunk on LSD, this cute little Kucinich critter persists.
Christopher Dodd—I believe there was a drunkard in the movie. The fellow was given no credit for his appearance, given how peripheral he was. Unlike Mr. Dodd, I do not think the drunkard in the movie tried to violate a waitress in a restaurant.
Joe Biden—He is Dorothy—He wants to click his heels together for each partition of Iraq. His heel clicking plan is illogical, unworkable, and bizarre, but hey, it is not like there is nothing at stake if it fails. Like Dorothy going home, the mess left behind will be somebody else’s problem.
Mike Gravel—I thought he was Toto, given his constant barking, but it seems like he is Dorothy’s grandfather. He is an old, gray, grumpy individual who shows up early in the movie and then disappears quickly to irrelevancy. The democrats still had a meaningless debate, but it was slightly more respectable without his being invited.
Bill Clinton—He is Toto. He is useless, but so adorable that he gets more attention than more relevant characters to the story. Toto is so precious that the oxygen just gets sucked out of the room.
The magician behind the curtain that manipulates them all is either George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, or John Ashcroft, or any other bogeyman the democrats need to create to have a reason to exist. My guess is that it is most likely Paul Wolfowitz, since the Daily Kos sees the Wizard of Oz the same way it sees everything else…as a sinister republican plot controlled by the Jews, since the people of Kansas are obviously Jews. Dorothy makes it home to the land of the Neocons, and everybody lives happily ever after.
As scary as the democrats are, with Halloween being every time they come on television, even scarier is Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers. How people continue to admire this troll is beyond me. He scored 45 points, and the team lost. Typical Kobe. I say this because his press conference was delightful. “The team missed 18 free throws. I didn’t miss any.” Yes, everything is everybody else’s fault. The Clintons should hire him as a press spokesman immediately.
Today is the day for getting away from people who do not matter to what does matter…picking out a Halloween costume and having fun.
I have plenty of costumes, and the trick is to find costumes that are timeless. Picking something that has a shelf life of 10 minutes is a waste of money. Also, heroes are boring, and they often wear pants that are ambiguously transgendered. I prefer the villains.
Also, when romantically involved, matching costumes go over very well. Matching pirates and matching vampires are easy enough. When I dress up as the Riddler, I prefer my female companion be Catwoman. That way I can admire her tail.
Matching gangsters is fun, and women look sexy in short skirts always.
Matching costumes are a way of couples making sacrifices that would normally never occur. In 2005 I was dating a left wing environmental activist vegetarian. What can I say? She was hot. I dressed up as a tree, and she dressed up as a hippie. My sign on my tree said, “My girlfriend is a tree hugger.” To return the favor, the next night had me dressing up as a criminal, with her dressing up as a slutty police officer. The outfit came equipped with a baton, handcuffs, a ball and chain, and an incredibly tight outfit that made me realize that politics could be put aside for the sake of my hormones.
My friends and I go to “The Freak Show” in West Hollywood, which is the homosexual area of Los Angeles. They usually dress flamboyantly in that part of town, but on this day they go crazy. The police seal off the streets, and one million people walk up and down looking at the costumes. My friend from Alabama got groped last year. Hey, when you are dressed in a purple pimp outfit at a parade in a largely homosexual community, things will happen. It was his last day in Blue State America, as he hightailed it back to Alabama, a victim of culture aftershocks.
I know I will not be dressing up as Harry Potter, and since I am not looking for a gay partner any time soon, being Dumbledore is not a viable option.
Halloween 2004 remains my most bizarre situation. I dressed as an Angel, and the girl dressed as the Devil. Yes, this was total role reversal. To try and confuse people at the party, we decided to sneak out of the party and come back with the costumes reversed. We went to my place, and decided to each be ½ angels and ½ devils. We needed to change.
Now I am not a Homer Simpson type, on Halloween or in real life. I do not walk around my apartment unless I am fully clothed. Yet since the girl changed in the bedroom, I was relegated to the living room. In the 60 seconds it took me to change, my roommate came home. Thankfully my red devil collared shirt was just long enough, as I stood in my living room with no trousers on holding a devil’s pitchfork.
Me: “It’s not what it looks like.”
Roommate: “You’re pantsless…and you’re holding a devil’s pitchfork.”
Hearing her, he asked, “Have you got a girl in your room? What are you guys doing man?”
Me: “Nothing is going on.”
Like a bad episode of “Three’s Company (redundant, I know),” she came out of the bedroom, oblivious to the surroundings. Wearing only a bra and angel wings, she grabbed my pants and said, “I need your pants.” She then retreated to the bedroom.
Roommate: “What the hell are you two doing?”
Me: “Nothing…nothing is going on.”
Roommate: “I thought I was cooler than you.”
Me: “You are cooler than me. It’s not even close.”
From the bedroom, she asked about props that could be used to enhance the evening, all part of an innocent angel-devil theme.
Girl: “Eric, do you have something that burns like a flamethrower?”
Roommate: “Ok, what the hell is wrong with you? I don’t know what kind of sick stuff you’re into man, but this innocent dorky routine is B.S. I’ll see you later, and stay away from my bedroom.”
To this day he does not know a g-rated situation when he sees one.
As for this year, the pimp costume was Friday night, and the ½ angel ½ devil costume was Saturday night. I refer to it as a “Fallen Angel,” and the halo, appropriate for me, is totally bent.
West Hollywood will be filled with almost naked gay men, but it will also have heterosexual women dressed as French maids, cavewomen, Playboy bunnies, and other reasons I love being a guy.
Wednesday night might be me as the Riddler again. I just hope nobody confuses me with that idiot Matthew Lesko. I may be prancing around West Hollywood, but I am not a liberal. I will pretend to joust with guys dressed as Batman, and hopefully share a couple steamy moments with a complete stranger dressed as Catwoman. Women dressed up provocatively with a lack of ability to control their inhibitions…I love this holiday.
It is not all perfect. For one, I am too old to trick or treat, which I gave up at age 22. Trick or treating in Bel Air is great. I made between $50 and $100 my last year of college. As a kid I used to go back to homes November 1st to see if they had any candy left. The older kids would trick or treat for beer, and I was too naïve to understand how they kept picking the right houses.
I remember Pirate Lady looking at me and saying, “Shiver me timbers.” I was about to reply, “Darling, I’d sure like to,” but my friends stopped me. However, she said it again…”Shiver me timber.” I replied, “Sweetness, you got that reversed. Make mine shiver.” She blushed bright crimson…I love Halloween.
My Rabbi does not like that I celebrate Halloween, but I keep explaining that it is actually a Jewish holiday, Hal Levine. So to all the non-Jews of the world, I wish you a happy Hal Levine.
My parents shake their heads in a combo of shame and disbelief, but they should not be afraid. On Halloween I spin out of control, but by November 1st I am back to my version of normal, at work. There is nothing I can do to damage society that badly.
Besides, I will not be that scary on Halloween. It is not like I am dressing up as President Hillary Clinton. Now that is frightening. Don’t cry kids. I will turn off the flashlight and turn on the lights. It was only a nightmare.
Now to be like Ted Kennedy minus the girth and criminal behavior…and do what I need to do to avoid being a complete spectacle again…find my pants.
I think these are mine…or maybe they are…who is she? Riddle me this, Riddle me that…I just don’t know.
Happy Hal Levine everybody!