THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

In an ever increasing attempt to take advantage of the long summer nights brought on by daylight savings time, the Senate has decided to throw a slumber party. In an institution whose effectiveness is measured on various scales ranging from uselessness to harmfulness, apparently they thought spending more time on the job could somehow do less harm.

For those of you lucky enough to not be following this nonsense, either because it is summer, or just because you have lives, here is a basic recap. We are in a global War on Terror. That war has taken us to Iraq. Although the soldiers and their commanders keep telling us that we are succeeding, liberals in the media insist we are failing. Successful missions do not sell newspapers. The republicans support the troops, and democrats want to bring them home now.

Now that you are caught up, the present situation is this. The republicans have used parliamentary procedures to delay or avoid votes on legislation they do not want. This has been going on since 1776. The democrats are upset by this, and are turning an old trick on its head. Instead of saying, “It’s my bat and my ball, and I am going home,” they are saying, “Until you vote the way we want, nobody is going home.”

Harry Reid has declared that the Senate will pull an all nighter until a vote that democrats want is passed. He has been brought in cots for senators to sleep on.

CNN reports that “Reid said he would schedule other votes during the overnight hours to ensure the session is a ‘real’ all-nighter, but said he does not yet know what measures would be taken up.”

So he is going to schedule an all night talking session, but has no idea what will be talked about. Is this organizational planning at its finest, or what?

“Workmen will set up cots near the Senate floor so senators have a place to slumber — although it’s not clear how many senators will choose to stay up for the debate, much less use the cots.”

So the senators are forced to be there, but not forced to stay awake. How is this different from any other senate session? If Harry Reid wanted to be a tough guy, why not mandate people actually stay awake? I know he is incredibly boring, but if staying awake was not mandatory, I would be asleep in seconds once he opened his mouth. He would say his name, introduce himself, I would yell, “I object,” and then my head would hit the desk faster than you could say “Junior High School Social Studies Class.” I suspect he will not force them to stay awake because making somebody do their jobs in today’s society can be construed as torture, which apparently violates the Geneva Convention that everybody except terrorists swear by.

“Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa, when told that Reid might force overnight votes asked, ‘What’s the point? It’s not going to accomplish anything. I’ve been through a lot of these, and they never have.’

Members of both parties know that, in this fight, Democrats will fall short of the required 60 votes to end a filibuster.

Because results of voting are a foregone conclusion, supporters of the Democratic-authored amendment are simply aiming to garner more GOP support by pressuring additional moderate Republicans to join them.”

So the results are a foregone conclusion, this strategy has never worked, and nothing will get accomplished. These are the people that want to run a war and provide advice to our troops?

I am not aware how or if President Bush responded to this, but he should do what he always does…go to sleep at a reasonable hour. That is what people who do real work actually do.

Now as for this slumber party, picture former prisoner of war John McCain going to Harry Reid and saying, “You know, I was held in captivity, beaten and tortured for six years, but I have never been treated this roughly. I cannot handle staying up this late. I will vote however you want.” 

There is no word yet on whether Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer will braid each other’s hair, and rumors of Ted Kennedy bringing the vodka jello shooters are unconfirmed at this time.

Since all good slumber parties require Smores, moderate wavering republicans, in keeping with their tradition, will bring the marshmallows. Come to think of it, they will probably bring extra jello as well in case Teddy devours it before reaching the senate floor and devouring them like he does all weaker creatures.

What amazes me most is that a senate body that is obsessed with counting votes cannot use their multiplication tables. For those of you who are deficient in basic mathematics (not being judgmental, for me it was the aforementioned social studies), any number multiplied by zero equals zero. Therefore, if eight hours multiplied by nothing accomplished equals nothing, then fourteen hours multiplied by nothing accomplished also equals nothing. Once again, basic math proves the pointlessness of this all night congresscapade (I have to admit, Ted Kennedy and his friends do love a good congresscapade).

In fact, over the loudspeakers on C-Span, they can pump in the song, “Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. You’ve got to have something…if you want to be with me.” Yes folks, C-Span covering Harry Reid at 4:00am. If you are watching it, then you died two years ago and nobody told you.  

I say this to the democrats in the Senate…develop a spine. No cots allowed. No drinking games. No Smores. Attendance is mandatory. No sleeping on the job allowed. No pagers, cell phones, text messaging or video games allowed. This environment should be more oppressive than Guantanamo Bay, but less oppressive than Junior High School.

My prediction is a republican knockout over Harry “Boxer” Reid and Barbara “Check Bouncer” Boxer in the third round, only because round one will be roll call, and round two will be repeating roll call for those who fell asleep, or were just not paying attention. 

Harry Reid will cry uncle, the democrats will cave again, President Bush will get everything he wants again because he is still right, and a meaningless nonbinding resolution might almost pass, which the Jayson Blair Times will hail as a symbolic victory about something.

The American people will have missed it, because they will have been sleeping. Again, that is what people do when they have work the next day. Only those with idle time on their hands force their friends to stay out all night doing nothing.

We know they will not pass any tough crime measures during this session. If they did, 100 senators would be arrested for loitering.

Coed slumber party! Last one to bed is a rotten Senator!

eric

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 17th, 2007 at 1:29 pm and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.