THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

With all the serious events going on in this world, sometimes it is necessary to just step back and think about all those other things that only people with too much free time on their hands think about.

My friends and I have debated the issue back and forth, and still there is only theory. So I will ask the world what they think, and offer my own opinions. Is C3PO a homosexual?

I maintain that he is gay, but one of my friends maintains that he is just British. Even by British standards, C3PO is too British. Another friend maintains that robots cannot be gay, but robots everywhere from the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz to Deep Blue, the machine that defeated Gary Kasparov in chess, have developed human characteristics. Therefore, it is fair to argue that 10% of robots are homosexual.

I never found R2D2 to be gay. In fact, I always suspected R2D2 was a republican. He kept his mouth shut, and minded his own business. C3PO was a liberal busybody. Yet something did not sit right. Republicans usually make sense, and R2D2 was incoherent. On the other hand, boxing promoter Don King makes even less sense, and he is a republican. So if R2D2 is just a liberal speaking in tongues no normal person can understand, then perhaps C3PO is the republican, since he is always preaching responsibility.

C3PO does not dress well enough to be a metrosexual, so between his prissiness and his preaching responsibility, C3PO is most likely a Log Cabin Republican.

The guys and I are considering this compromise analysis, but we are worlds apart on how to evaluate Fraggle Rock. For those of you who grew up in the 1980s, let me allow you to have the following theme song stuck in your head.

“Dance your cares away…worries for another day…let the music play…down in Fraggle Rock…down in Fraggle Rock.”

I always thought that the Fraggles were liberals. They frolicked around, lived irresponsible lives, and contributed nothing useful to society. The Doozers were the conservative republicans. They worked hard, played by the rules, and were often bullied by the Fraggles for having the nerve to be productive.

Yet the reasons my friends are so brilliant is because they crystallize things in a way I sometimes do not see. The Doozers were the democrats. Sure, they worked, but they were always pessimistic. Their work was hard, but meaningless. They were the lower class, miserable about their lot in life, forever destined to be Doozers. They had nothing to dream about. The Fraggles were care free, and optimistic. They saw a happy world, filled with promise. They just wanted the Doozers do lighten up and chill out, and have fun for once in their miserable lives.

Some would argue that the Doozers were illegal aliens, doing the grunt work that Fraggles refused to do. However, the Doozers never snuck into Fraggle territory. If anything, the Fraggles were the ones that did not respect boundaries.

The one character that forever provides confusion is the green Fraggle, Wembley. Wembley was not gay, despite being named after a British stadium. One episode had the indecisive Wembley meeting a very decisive character known as “Convincing John.” Some would see the wishy washy Wembley perhaps as John Kerry, with Convincing John the decider being George W. Bush. However, in the end, Convincing John’s inability to see that he might be wrong leads him down the wrong path, and Wembley’s careful deliberations make him stronger. Therefore, Wembley is the American People, making the difficult but right decisions. Convincing John is so positive he is right that when he is proven wrong, he cannot admit it. Therefore, he is the media, most likely the Jayson Blair Times.

We live in a world with Islamofacism, where large segments of people are trying to murder others just for existing. There is plenty of time to deal with this sad reality. In the mean time, there are other issues to deal with. They are less serious, but without discussing them, water coolers will be lonely places during the week.

So as my friends get ready to go hang out, one lingering question still remains. Could C3PO take Wembley in a fistfight? A robot versus a Fraggle. Like many burning issues of my generation, I have no answers.

eric

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 1st, 2007 at 10:14 am and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.