Help me Rabbi! I am desiring (Mary Katharine) Ham
Ok all, I have to stop watching Fox News. It is numbing what little remains of my brain. Not since Shannon Doherty spoke at the 1992 republican convention have I faced such a crisis of faith.
I now know what Stevie Nicks means when she sings “Rooms on Fire.” A blazing hot woman appeared on my tv screen. Stunning beauty is not a rare commodity, but this woman is also a republican. To quote Sting “My logic has drowned…be still my beating heart.”
I have a craving for ham. Now before you all call my Rabbi and give him another reason to wish that Judaism allowed for excommunication rights, this is not an issue of Black Forest Ham. It is something much more tempting…Mary Katharine Ham.
Now for those of you wondering if this is going to be a borderline x-rated tribute disguised as harmless lustiness, no it is not. First of all, Ms. Ham is one of the top people at Townhall, and I would rather not be banned from the site. Secondly, when she reports back to Bill O’Reilly to report the internet websites that are destroying Western civilization, I would prefer she not give my parents another reason to change their last name and address again.
So I am asking my readers to help me get a date with Mary Katharine Ham. She is the Belle of the Townhall Ball, and I…oh heck, I am so googly eyed I cannot finish the analogy. I hate when that happens. My train of thought is boarding at the station.
Anyway, time for a plan. I do not want my readers contacting her, flooding her with emails, and agitating her. However, I want everybody to contact my blog and vote on whether or not she should go out with me. I know this is a useless nonbinding resolution, but with congressional democrats gaining a point in the polls to 15%, it seems like a good idea, or at least less awful than my other bad ideas.
Now I know some of you are seeing this as a ploy to increase traffic on my blog, but women like powerful men. As a kid, my dad could beat up your dad. Then I had the better place to live, the biggest blankety blank, and now have a larger tv set than most guys. If I can show her that my blog gets more hits than my rivals, she may just swoon (Does an eyeball roll count as a swoon? I hope so).
I will deliver the results to her on July 5th, after which point my MTV generation attention span will be focused elsewhere.
Perhaps I could sacrifice a liberal in her honor. No wait…human sacrifices do not get the girl. This is difficult!
I could write something brilliant. That takes too long. Where the heck is the cut and paste function on my keyboard? This is so complex.
Ok, will everybody please just let her know through my website that I want her to swoon in my presence? No, she is not a soccer beauty. That is Mia Hamm. Sheesh people, work with me here.
You as my readers have a role in this. Somebody please find out if she is single. Then find out if she is heterosexual. This is not an either or proposition (oh lord, I just used the word proposition…what is wrong with me, I am so disrespectful sometimes). She has to be both. Also, please dear readers, find out if she is a member of the Hebrew faith. If she is not, she can always convert. Ok, good, that problem is solved.
I have so many political issues to write about, and this is delaying the process. I cannot have the whole political process held up just because I desire Mary Katharine Ham.
Dear Ms. Ham, just know that I am alcohol, cigarette, and drug free, and I have even been known to use a knife and fork, as well as dress nicely, when forced to do so. I have had all my shots, and am not afraid to be not afraid of whatever people are not supposed to be not afraid of.
My phone number is (redacted). Please do not give it to college frat boys. I hate getting calls from oversexed freshmen asking if I am the “Saturday Night Special.” Perhaps they are looking for a gun control debate, but I cannot chance it.
My email address is (redacted). Furthermore, every time I hear your (redacted) voice, listen to your brilliantly expressed (redacted), see your (redacted) body and envision your (redacted), I want to (redacted) your (redacted) beautiful (redacted) all over your (redacted) until we are both (incredibly long redaction covering everything).
There. I am glad I got that off of my (redacted) (Wait a sec…why the heck would I have to redact the word “chest?” Then again, a chest is like a breast, so it should remain redacted).
I am a republican for crying out loud. According to fictional character Bree Van De Kamp on “Desperate Housewives,” republicans are not supposed to even think about (redacted), much less act on it.
So the downside is I could get shot down in front of the entire blogosphere. Thank heavens the internet did not exist when I was in Junior High School. The good news is my parents have given up.
Ok everybody, get to work. I have until my self imposed deadline of July 5th to get this woman to notice me, and not in a way that would make her call the bad taste authorities.
Write to me early, often and repeatedly. The fate of my (redacted) with Mary Katherine Ham hangs in the balance. She is Jewish until irrefutable evidence that I try to deliberately ignore (wow, now I know how liberals exist) proves otherwise.
Do not worry Rabbi. If I get shot down, I will never lust after ham again.